I miss my dad a lot. I always do. Despite what people thought of us. When he died, a part of me turned cold. A lot of people didn't think we were close. My aunt actually said to me, "I know you hated him, but you gotta take care of your mom right now." To which I felt obligated to say, "I didn't hate him!" She actually tried to justify saying this to me by responding, "Well you two were always arguing and yelling, how would I know?"
Right. How would you know? And why should you? It was never any of your business. My feelings were mine. We argued because we were both stubborn and had the same personality. We were both Taurus, too. Throw in the age difference and it's a miracle we ever got along.
But if I hated him, why would I cook him food and force him to eat when he would skip meals? Why would I make him check his blood sugar? Why would I use extra garlic when he got diabetes? Why would I hide his cigarettes or steal his lighter?
We argued with each other because we needed someone to argue with. It was integral to our sense of self. And by arguing with someone who loved us, we knew we'd be okay afterwards. We could yell and scream and shout and argue as much as we had to - knowing we would still be there for each other when we needed it.
"But love is fleeting, Alanda..." Yes, I know that. In most cases love isn't stable and will wither away over time with too much conflict. How did we know this wasn't the case with us? He was my dad, but he didn't have to be. I didn't have to claim him as my dad, either. Genetically, he was just my step-father. But fuck that, he was there for me when my biological one was nowhere to be found. He was a hundred times better than my "real dad."
Fuck everyone to hell if you have a problem with this. My dad is the only one I call dad. That's just the way it is. I still hate how much I miss him. I wish I could just be happy he's in the Summerlands. (Pagan for Heaven) He is no longer in pain anymore, but he's still watching from the stars. He's just waiting for the right time to come back.
I compare every guy to my dad. I know he wouldn't like how things turned out with my ex-husband, but I know he at least got along with him before we started dating. I'll never know how he would have felt about my relationship with my Ex since he died a year before it started. I'll never know how he would respond to my children's behavior or jokes. I'll never have new memories with him.
Every time I think of him, I want a cigarette. Not because I am a smoker - I'm not... but because I associate the smell with him. Cigarettes, ginger ale, butterscotch candies, and turkey sandwiches - they all make me think of my dad... I miss you, daddy. I love you. Fuck the Haters. 
