Since The Beginning:

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

update 2

hey it's 4:40 am Friday the 6th, of August 2010.
so i'm in the middle of a total meltdown. i thought i was going to make it through this without one,
but i looked at the date wrong and saw the 6 upside down as a 9.
needless to say my anxiety kicked in before my brain
figured out why, or even that the numbers were wrong.
i've been crying for about 30 or so minutes.
i'm totally freaked out, sad, and pissed off. this just
isn't fair. i was so hopeful that i would get through
it this year. but nope, that was just too much to hope
for. fuck you cruel world.

the sickest part is, there's only 2 people i feel
comfortable talking to about this. one is so busy
with her new boyfriend that she wouldn't even notice
if i broke down in front of her, least of all figure out why.
which is so fucked since she is the first/only person i told. other people know, but they figured it out.
i ran to her for help with it when it first happened.
literally ran all the way up town just to cry on her
shoulder.
the other person i talk to about this, her mom hates me
so we can't see e/o that often. the whole thing is fucked.
and my mom is mad at both of them. so i'm eternally fucked.
and i don't feel comfortable re-telling the original story to someone, not even T* or Killey or Cameron,
just so i could break down on their shoulder...
and i hate it so much because i just wanna cry all the time.
i don't wanna talk about it. i want to pretend it never happened. just forget about it. but damn it. whenever the 9th rolls around, i remember. i have nightmares at random through-out the year. but i've gone 4 months w/o them so i thought i was okay...
but nope, guess not. and i know, i just know, that if i go to sleep... i just don't wanna remember the details. i don't wanna remember anything...
great. i started crying again. i was hoping that typing this down would get all this out. i guess not.
nothing is ever that simple, is it?
i hate this. it's been 3 days short of 3 years. and people wonder why i don't date... well guess what! this is why... i hate trying to get over it. or even pretend that i am.
it just never stop... i don't think it ever will at this point.
it scares the hell out of me that i could really be so alone. i know i'm not. there are others out there like me. i'm in groups online to prove that. but it just is nowhere near the same. and i hate it. i hate it so much. i know hate is a strong word, but the truth is that it doesn't come close to explaining just how much i loathe this feeling. D* or Nyx, if you've read this, please come over. To hell w/what my mom thinks on the matter. If i'm still online, check the library. if not, the apartment.
i'm not sure i can get through karaoke night tonight, T*. but i'll try for your sake.

Eeyore in a Box with The Creeper,
Havoc