It's been over a year since my last update - and the book isn't even started. In fact, I scrapped the entire thing. It just felt too dark and I am in desperate need of Sunshine and Rainbows right now.
My life has actually managed to go downhill even more. Not something I would have thought possible, if I'm honest. I won't go into the details - even though I'm pretty certain no one actually reads my blog. Still, I'm more up to date with my blog than I am my journal. How depressing is that? I am hoping things start to progress in a more positive manner.
Though, with this recent downpour of snow, I'm not capable of doing much right now. The van is down again. (Needs yet another new battery...) No one shovels the snow around here so we have to walk in the road praying Michigan Drivers learn to not kill people. An unlikely outcome given how many people were killed in Hit and Runs during the nice weather. I still don't have a job - so that's disheartening.
My ex currently has our boys due to drama I won't get into. I'm supposed to visit them every Saturday, but with this weather and relying on the bus, which is never on time anymore, I don't know if that's even possible. It isn't helping my emotional state. My medications aren't working too well lately either, but that could just be because there's only so much pharmaceuticals can do in the first place. They're bandages not miracles.
Still, I'm out here trying. Always trying and getting nowhere. I'm at my wit's end. I love my mom and my brother, mind you, but living with them in a small hotel room for even a little while was going to be a nightmare. This, though, is making me crazy. And they aren't exactly great to live with under normal circumstances. My brother thinks he can do no wrong and likes to put words in my mouth. He's too much like my ex in that manner. And my mother coddles him to the point of saying everything is my fault even though I'm putting more into this than he is. You'd think he was a child or something - he's 23 years old! I'm not exactly a great role model, but as his mother you'd think she'd try harder to make him behave like an adult and not a leech. I'm 30 and unemployed with my kids in my psychopathic narcissist ex's care simply because of this hellishness.
Fun fact: the entire reason we started living in a hotel to begin with is because (when we were still together) he quit his job a month before I was due with our 2nd child. We were served the eviction papers the day I was admitted to the hospital. When I left the hospital we had to move everything to the trash or my mom's place. I recovered from my C-section in her apartment as best I could. That's another spiel for another time. He hadn't gotten a new job until we moved in with her and that's only because he finally stopped arguing about not getting a job in the field he'd been in for a decade already. I'm not kidding. He chose to have us evicted and fuck up our children's sense of stability because of his narcissism. He ended up making it so my mom couldn't renew her lease, causing us all to move into a tiny ass hotel room right before Christmas. We've been in a hotel ever since December 2016. Now he's using the hotel as a reason to keep the kids with him, even though it was his actions that caused this. No one wanted to hire a 36 week pregnant woman. They didn't want me after Ace was born because he was a newborn and then it became how I have no job skills... It's one excuse after another and that's if they even tell me at all. I try not to go crazy about this - but I feel like a failure and all because I let him drag me down with him and walk all over me after the fact. Sorry for rambling. Happy holidays, I guess.
