10:47 P.M. January 6th 2009
i don't know how to put the way i am currently feeling into words. i don't know how to make the world, or even one person, understand... i am so afraid that this will never end. and i don't even know why i am the way i am. i just know what i am. and who i am. but i don't think i will ever figure out WHY... and that just makes things all the more difficult to live with.
i can't stand this. i've been told numerous times that i should be medicated but to be fair of the medications i tried, they all caused me to have some side-affect or another. and now my psychiatrist, whom i no longer see, says that i should just continue to see my therapist because of my bad experiences with anti-depressants. but that i should be medicated but i've "tried so many" that it wouldn't help any. what the fuck exactly equals "so many"??? i have only ever been on one med at a time and i've only tried out 3 different ones. so what the hell is he talking about???
whatever. i wish i would just die already. don't take that the wrong way, i'm not going to off myself or anything. i don't have the guts. pain is just something i do my best to avoid. that and chaos but i'm never going to be able to get away from that in this house.
my stepfather drives me insane. he's an asshole most of the time. and when he's trying to be nice, he is still being a jerk. my mom acts like she's sixteen. which is fine i guess, because it's weird when she tries to be motherly. but when she does act like a mom, she's just wrong about it.
it's like she has no respect for other peoples views. which sounds so screwed up considering. i mean she's friends with people of all religions and what-not. but when it comes to my sister being a vegetarian, she's okay with it. but she gets her an ice pack with meat in it, knowing she's adverse to the slaughter of animals and that she gets sick when it's too close to her, and she has the audacity to tell my sister that she is being unreasonable. what the hell? i mean, if i can understand where my sis is coming from then she definitely should be able to.
i am just saying that my sister and i disagree on almost everything but i won't do that to her... so how can our mom?
and what's worse is apparently everything that goes wrong is my fault somehow. and that i should try to be a better person... blah blah blah. and this is coming from the same woman who thinks we should all be accepted as we are??? i was raised in a universe of contradictions and hypocritical bullshit. and apparently i'm cruel because i don't want my mom to dye her hair to my color. again. apparently it's absolutely horrible that i want to be an individual and that i'm sick of being compared to her.
is it so difficult to understand that i don't want to be her? so we look alike. lots of kids look like their parents. it's kind of expected. but she makes such a big deal about it. and so does everyone else i know. it's like a broken record. and it doesn't get better when she refers to me as her "clone" either. which she has been doing for as long as i can remember.
and she's always saying how alike we are, not just in looks but attitude and personality. well thanks but i'd like to think i was somewhat different. it's sickening after awhile. she actually takes it as an insult when someone, say my friend's ma, calls her an adult. she gets all bent out of shape about it.
and when i try to strike somehow out on to my own and be different, she follows to it. i am just so exhausted from it all. and when she doesn't understand something, she blows up at me. or gets fake-depressed the way little kids do when they're pouting or not getting their way.
i may be immature, out of control, and a total bitch. but in the end i still feel like the MOM in my house. the only time i can get away from that is when i'm hanging out with nyx... i used to do that with my friend danielle too but she moved away so it's more difficult. but at least she understood, u know? i mean, she doesn't make excuses for my mom even though she was like another daughter and my mom was like another one for her. we both dealt with lousy house lives and we got one another. i miss being able to have talks with her in her room and just bitch and get it off my chest. and i'm sure she does too. i never realised before how much i relied on her until she went off to college in another state.
don't get me wrong. nyx helps a lot more than if i were alone. but it isn't the same. cuz she thinx my mom is so cool and the truth is she is hell to live with. but then. maybe its just me and i'm messed up... i don't know anymore.
i miss killey like crazy. cuz we may not have talked about our problems much, but he could at least get my mind off the issues for a while. and i always knew i could show up anytime at all with any problem if i needed him. but then his baby-mama made him move and got them evicted. and was happy about it. and now we never see him anymore.
you have to figure. danielle was my closest friend since i was 9 years old. and i've known her my whole life. she was my sister. in every sense except blood.
Killey was my brother the same as Danielle was my sister. but some people don't seem to get that. his baby-mama being one of them. she actually thought he was having an affair with me. and nyx. and sav. and probably even mandy. the idea is sick and absurd on so many levels i swear.
i never knew i was so reliant on other people. i always thought i was strong and self-reliant. but then i slowly started to lose my friends. now i see it. i can't get by on my own. how am i supposed to deal with that?
and on top of everything else. i'm like the family psychiatrist to all my friends and family. it's ridiculous and straining. i've had 3 anxiety attacks today alone. on top of it all. not to mention i burst out in anger just cuz they were talking. well, whining and arguing really. but the point is i snapped in less than 30 seconds into their... dialogue?? it was irrational. but then, irrational bursts of anger happen a lot. it generally happens when i keep it all inside, like i always do. danielle was the only person i ever really talked to about this. probably cuz she didn't make me talk to the people causing it like a shrink would do to us all.
now i don't talk to anyone anymore. not about the big stuff. just stupid things like clothes and boys. wow. i'm turning into a priss. just what i don't need. though i don't really care about boys or clothes, just something to avoid talking about issues. life's a bitch. maybe this is where i went wrong... i used to be so understanding and give great advice... now i just underplay it all and goof off til they feel better or change the subject...
if i had access to liquor on a regular basis i'd probably end up an alcoholic. as it is i'm basically doing that with soda and orange juice. drinking it all away..... and eating when there's nothing to drink. it's no wonder i'm now 269.8 pounds........ it's amazing that no one cares that for my age, gender, height, etc, i am medically obese... they didn't even react. just shrugged it off when my doctor made that announcement. most people don't even believe it cuz i don't look THAT heavy. here i am trying to give up chocolate and it seems that's all that is in the house. maybe i should just go on strike against all food. to hell with being healthy. just die that way. no one gives a shit anyways. i feel like i'm all alone... even when i'm talking to my friends or my sister.... i feel empty. broken. disregarded. taken for granted... like i just don't matter. and people can apologize and feel sorry for me all they want but it won't change anything. and for the fifteen seconds anyone does treat me well, it won't last. because in the end, someone always does it. and somehow i always manage to get lost in the music. i just wish i could find a way to be happy. but i don't think that can happen without first getting away from my family. and that is in and of itself a really sad thing to say. even though it's true. what is wrong with the world when this is what life comes to for someone?
do u know the song False Pretense by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus??? somehow, it helps me through right now. i'm tired of sacrificing everything i am just to survive for others. i want to want to live. i want to be able to be me at all costs. 100% me... not just somewhat there at 5% or less the way i have been for the past 12 or more years. i'm nearly 20 and i'm just looking for a way to fight back and be me. and it's sad that i have to fight for something that should just be allowed and understood naturally....
Hey Jude is also a great song... somehow, it pulls you in and makes u smile even when u are crying. Damn Regret by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus is amazing right now to me. it's art put into words. Chopin would be jealous. let's face it. He's good with piano music. but no one can compare to music for the Teenage generation.
i'm through pretending for you people. if u have a problem with me. then just say so dammit. cuz i have no problem telling u to drop dead and kiss my ass while u were down there. i mean, i'm a nice girl... no wait, i'm not.....
My final song reccomendation for this mood.... Break Stuff by LIMP BIZKIT
