“Everywhere is nowhere.” -Seneca
“She is beautiful, she’s unpredictable, damned irresistible, it’s impossible to hate her.”
Miss Impossible by Poets Of The Fall…
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October 2nd, 2009
I feel like I‘m falling apart. And there isn‘t any reason for it. If it weren‘t for my music, I don‘t know what I‘d do. My medication doesn’t seem to be working and I have an appointment coming up to see a shrink. Something I was hoping to never have to do again. Amber and Donnie are getting married November of next year. Mark and Danielle are also getting married in November next year. I’m a bridesmaid in both weddings. The whole thing is ridiculous. Amber lost her baby, so she feels like shit. And I don’t blame her. There’s a remote possibility that I could be PG but I doubt it. I’d like to be, but it’s really remote. If I was, the guy wouldn’t care anyways. Even though I totally fell for him, and that just sucks major. I can’t wait to get my flu shot. Though I don’t see the point since I think I’m coming down with it. Whatever. Good Night, it’s after midnight so yeah.
October 2nd, 2009
People drive me crazy. I got a letter from Grandma Sandy today. That was nice… I’m going to write her back soon. But first this. Since I’m not sure when I’ll be able to update it again. It’s almost 5 in the afternoon. Amanda is helping bro with his homework. Math is ugh. Even worse when it’s fractions. I was never good at fractions. Something I really wish I could overcome. I plan on doing so much. Now if only I could actually follow through on my plans. I would love to go to college. I’d love to become a writer and a singer. I need to help Nitia finish that book we’re writing. It’s really going to be good if we can get somebody to publish the damn thing. Maybe Amanda should help us. Because my ideas are running low, I don’t know how to refresh my creativity. Uilliam doesn’t want to listen to Amanda right now, I don’t think he’ll ever learn if he doesn’t begin to listen when we try to teach him stuff. Oh my god. He’s telling us how he watched music videos during class. No wonder his grades are already deteriorating. And I’m contributing by getting him the videos. Good lady. What is wrong with me? I feel like crap. I can’t wait until tomorrow. It’s heritage day and Donald is taking Amber, Mom, and I all out for Chinese. I’ve never had Chinese food and this is why they’re doing it. I can’t help but laugh when I remember their reaction to the knowledge that I’ve never had any. It was so funny. So cliché. My back hurts like crazy. I really should write that letter to Savanna. Just one more thing I need to do. Plus I need to read my book. Set up my clothes for tomorrow. Gah. So much to do. This keyboard sticks. It’s so annoying. I can’t wait to go to college. I hope I can. When I do, I will get a laptop so I can get online classes. A dell would be preferable. I need to wake up. I am so tired. I got plenty of sleep though and there’s no excuse for it. Just another issue I need to address I suppose.
October 4th, 2009
I’m listening to music. Mom is making dinner. And I’m not eating. It all seems gross. Chicken nuggets, Mac N Cheese, and French fries. Yuck. I just want a chocolate bar and cereal with something good to drink. Uilliam is on his gameboy. Mandy is upstairs on bro’s laptop. She is addicted to making videos I swear. Yeah it’s fun for me but I don’t think I could do it as much as she does. I wouldn’t put 9 hours worth of work into one music video anyways. It just seems ridiculous to me. I wish I had something to do. Like homework or a job. I wish I was in college right now. It just gets so boring being here all day. And it’s getting cold. And we didn’t get Chinese yesterday and won’t get it for about 2 weeks. Which doesn’t bother me. I just wish they’d called ahead of time. So inconsiderate. My back is killing me. Ross and Castillo came by today. That was kind of cool. We talked about cops and cars and bullshit. Nothing big there. Castillo doesn’t think it should take too much to fix mom’s car. I want to watch a movie. My stomach feels like it’s trying to turn in on itself. It’s weird. I wish I could get back into the book I’m reading. I suddenly lost interest for no reason. And it’s a good book so I don’t get it. I’m always so tired. And I’m about to start my period. Big fun. Not. Explains why I feel sick and why everything smells like it’s going to make me sick. Right now all my dreams seem to be disappearing into despair. I burned my finger earlier. Just a little. Nothing too bad. I keep dreaming of Marty and I hate that. I hate that I miss him so much. He hasn’t spoken to me since that last day. And that makes me feel so stupid. Believe me. I hate that I’m so naïve. I’m normally such a good judge of character, but when it comes to sex and love… then I fuck myself over. I’m so dizzy. It’s sickening. I can’t wait to go back to bed. Pathetic. Considering how much I’ve been sleeping lately… it’s insane. Thank goddess for music. It’s the only reason I haven’t totally lost it. I am so tired. What the hell is wrong with me? I just keep wondering why I would end up like this. This way. I just don’t get it!
October 6th, 2009
I wish that I could make my dreams go away. I just keep dreaming of him. It's so frustrating. I have no reason what-so-ever to miss him. But I keep seing his face in my dreams at night. I only wish it'd stop. I have an appointment on Thursday to see that shrink. Fun fun. I want to scream. Lacretia had to move to a different home yet again and it was heartbreaking. She kept trying to follow mom back to the car. I wish we had a dog house and the $200 for her. She's my baby and all I want to do is cry. I don't even know how long Ross is going to be able to keep her. He said just for a few days which isn't exactly specific you know. And his bitch mother was talking about some other chick having her cuz she wants a dog. No one seems to get that they aren't keeping her forever. Eventually I'm getting my own place and I will get her back. Because she's mine and I love her enough not to want her bounced around to people who don't take care of her right. And I know Ross will do a good job but I don't know about anyone else being able to. I just want her back. She's so full of love and adventure, it'd be wrong to take her to a Humane Society for that shit. The idea that they'd put her down would kill me. I mean, if she was deathly ill it'd be one thing, but she's totally healthy. This is fucking ridiculous... even bro misses her and he hardly ever saw her. I want my DOG BACK! This is completely wretched. I still haven't cried over it yet. There are too many people around and I don't feel like explaining it to them. I feel so depressed. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it! Damn I miss her... I'm still in my pajamas. I don't even want to move. I hate talking to people. What business is it of theirs how I feel or don't feel? Maybe I should just print up my fricking diary tomorrow and hand it to the guy when I walk in his office. No. None of his business what I think or how I feel. Sure, the doc thinks I'm bipolar, and there's a strong possibility she's right. But I've gone this long without help for it. At least I have my music. No one can take that away from me. Music, caffeine, and a little bit of alcohol. Sounds like a good night to me. Better with some rain and lightning. Nature's music. Something to dance in. Amanda just got home. Yay. I'm hoping some bouncy music will get me in a better mood. But I don't know. I'm no longer depressed. I've moved up to bored. Wow. Good music I guess. I think I'm coming down with a cold or something. As long as it isn't the flu, though. This whole day royally sucked. It was a total waste of time. I can't believe this. I just want to go to bed. And I slept plenty. I guess I'm hoping I can sleep away my life. Except I'm genuinely tired. So I don't know. I don't feel like singing but I'm trying to hide the fact that I feel like falling... Plus, sometimes doing it when I'm not in the mood gets me in the mood to sing. Who knows, it may still work... I'll update you later!
