2:45 A.M.
Thursday - while it started off on the wrong foot - was an *awesome* freaking day!
I didn't get to hang out with many of my friends - which sucked!
However, while I apologize emphatically to Ross and Tam - and I *do*!!! - Nitia was awesome!
We had a heart to heart and she got me psyched up for the summer! Trust me, I never saw it coming.
After hanging with her for 4 hours (still can't believe it was only that long - I miss her all over again!)
I saw Danielle for half an hour. We spent the entire time fawning over little Luca (there are pix & video - definitely!)...
Something about Union City will always be home - no matter how much I can't stand the place.
There's a reason the gang and I refer to ourselves as the Black Hole Society. :)
I always feel rested, complete, happy, whole... when I'm there... it lasts for a small time, too.
The best part, being alone with Nitia meant I was actually able to speak for myself rather than just letting mom railroad over me with what she believes me to be thinking.
Which is what she did today with Leisha. I even told bro I may as well quit speaking - she'd never notice at this point.
I think Nitia is the only one *not* biting my head off about the whole college issue.
I was able to explain myself to her. Mom spoke over me when Leisha went off about it. So why bother correcting mom?
It isn't like I can get them to see my point of view. T gets it. She even told me I should quit. She really got it.
Mom told Leisha it was because I was having issues with my Math class - which I am... but that isn't why I was considering dropping out.
Hell, I considered it before the semester even began. I've been doing so every damn semester since before I started.
It isn't really that hard to grasp. I'm a singer. After I turn 25 what are the chances I'll break into the business? I mean, REALLY?
I've changed my major 3? 4? times... I'm only just now settling on a Liberal Arts degree - because, as it turns out, English is not my thing.
Shocking to everyone considering how uptight I am about simple grammar & spelling errors. However, I write creatively - not academically or clinically.
Which is why it's *so wonderful* to have switched out of Psychology. I loved the classes but the writing portions were killing me. Academically was difficult enough, but when it went to clinical writing it became apparent I was screwed.
Singing is the only thing I can see myself doing and being *happy*... why is that So Hard to understand for people?
I mean - everybody thinks one needs to go to college to be successful... but it's killing me inside.
Not just the classes filled with stuff I don't understand or don't actually need, either.
I mean, I can actually *feel* my soul Dying. Withering. Damning itself as it fades to nothing but a Husk.
I can FUCKING FEEL it!!! Sometimes I can't help but hate myself and the way my life is going.
But I also hate it because I don't know how I'm supposed to change it.
I think the greatest fucking compliment I ever got was when T told me she could see us Pan-Handleing on street corners with our music.
:) That woman has so much more faith in me than I ever have... which is mental because half the time I wonder if she and I have faith in anything.
I know everyone thinks that my being of a Wiccan religion I'd be full of faith and belief in the unknown and unseen... but truthfully, when it comes to risks, I need to *know* it without fail.
I don't think I've ever had pure faith like that. I need to touch, to see, to smell, to breathe, to hear - to have no worries when it comes down to it.
Guess I'm not that faithful afterall... Hell, I think my atheist sister has more faith in Science and Logic than I do in actual faith.
How messed up is that? So much for SSDD. (Same Shit Different Day)
From "Just Friends" by MASON to "Somebody Help Me" by FullBlownRose... my day has been a rude awakening.
"I've seen the face of my affliction, of my reality. I'm being tortured by the Future, of things that yet to be.
I'm being haunted by a vision; it's like the morning never comes. I feel the burning of confusion.
Always searching; on the run!" There's more but you, lovely reader(s), can google the lyrics for the rest.
I'm putting on "Born this Way" by Lady Gaga - maybe it'll make me feel better. I don't know.
I do know I told mom it wouldn't take me long to type this. I was wrong.
I have to cut this short so I can turn off the space heator in my room & then go to bed.
Wish me luck on the rest of my homework & studying tomorrow. Seriously.
P/s. 2 + hours spent on one math problem = annoyed musician and company.
~Raindancer~
3:13 A.M.
