10:58 P.M.
so technically it's almost February.
one needn't be so touchy about it.
the keys are sticking so ignore any errors in spelling, please.
i'm reading DEFINE "NORMAL" again. i do this every year and have done so every year since the 6th grade.
I'd say it's insurance for good luck, but that'd be a lie. it's simply my way of trying to grasp a sense of normality this year.
i've only finished the first chapter. i've read it so many times i may as well have someone else read it to me and test me to find out if i know it word for word.
i realize that sentence was long, but i don't believe it was a run-on, technically.
for those who are interested - i didn't get cast in the musical. :(
not even as a supporting character. i'm only bothering to post about this because i can't seem to escape it anyway.
my brother was all consolative (word?) about it. not to mention the 5 people who know me in my Spanish class.
my mom only found out a few hours ago and was all shocked and angry in a 'mother who has been offended' sort of way.
plus, i saw DeQuan and he said how he was 'upset' about it because he doesn't know anyone else who was cast.
it made me feel bad, too. worse when i heard Roderick may not be able to do his parts. *sigh*
and if i hear "i knew how much you wanted it" one more time, i'll scream and cry at the same time.
it isn't like they ran out of chocolates or shoes at the mall - this is based entirely on talent!
i've auditioned a hundred times and this is the first time i was entirely cast aside - at least, that's what it feels like.
which is fine, acting and singing are my only talents so it isn't like i could have helped with anything else.
it certainly didn't help my audition that i had such an awful cold. i'm sure the people who were cast are talented enough - so it isn't like i'm totally upset about it.
i promise not to go "Diva" on everyone - regardless of my own MOM calling me such a word those days. and this weekend.
a diva would demand a reason and retribution and blah-blah-blah. i'm brilliant and i know it - but i'm hardly an idiot.
while the auditions were the best auditions i've had acting-wise, they were my worst in terms of my singing abilities.
i knew that going in. cold + cottonmouth + disorientation = who the fuck are you kidding?
i'm behind in Math, Music, and Spanish. i have homework overdue in the first 2 classes and a test in all 3.
luckily, my first class tomorrow is actually philosophy. so i'll be okay.
oooh! i totally spaced! i got the letter of recommendation from Tim! SOOO happy! now all i need is for them to say i can actually tutor.
my oh-so-dear mother wants me to frame his L.o.R. because it was so nice. all i can think is - he meant it... so why does *that* need a frame?
besides, if i do frame it - ha ha - where will my diploma (HAHA) go?
if you haven't heard GENERATION OF THE BORED by Kate Crash - get your ass on youtube and find it! i'm telling you - it's pretty damn accurate & awesome...
how many times can you say both of those words to describe something anymore?
i'll admit, however, that one probably should ignore every word i say.
i mean, i think redheads are sexy and Bill Pullman is a dreamboat.
i listen to cher, joan jett, garage bands, country, pop, punk, and have GARBAGE on repeat in the mornings.
i think Spaceballs is hilarious and follow it up by watching Pokemon with my brother and BandSlam with my mom.
I think Lisa Kudrow and Alyssa Milano should star in a film together and that Tim Curry / Jim Carey would rock in that same non-existant (sp?) film.
i hate attending college when i want the same thing i've wanted since i was 3... yes, i still want the same career as i did when i was a toddler - so sue me.
i feel like i'm dying inside everytime i go, the entire while i sit there, and yet i still strive to "succeed" because i was programmed to despise failure.
ever hear GOING NOWHERE by The Winners (a band from the movie SUCK) then you'll understand what i mean.
if i don't quit and start working my ass off on my dream - i'll lose it because it's so difficult to break into the business after a certain point.
hell, i'm almost 23 and it's probably already too late.
but if i do quit, i'll have nothing else to fall back on if i fuck it up.
you don't have to read my mind to know i'm ambivalent about it.
either way i lose... the chances of winning in this charade which is life are....???
~Raindancer~
11:22 P.M.
