Since The Beginning:

Monday, April 30, 2012

My Torment

Today is the last day of April. It's supposed to be a Wiccan Holiday, but I can't find anything to celebrate, I'm afraid. First, I woke up with a fever. Then, I had to attend court while studying for my Math Test. We lost in court - no surprise - to a creep who should be sued for Slander. He lied to the court and is trying to say we "destroyed property" which is a big joke considering how much we actually FIXED since moving in. Throw in how he's trying to say we didn't pay January's rent when we did - well, it's easy to figure out why I'm so vexed. We have 10 days to move out and I have Finals all this week. To top it all off, I'm pretty certain I failed my test in math today. It was our last chapter test before our Final which we'll only have 2 days to review for. I have a Spanish Final (the first part) this evening... Plus, the second part on Wednesday after my Philosophy Final. Thursday - on my BIRTHDAY - I will be taking my Music and Math Finals. I can't for the life of me figure out why when I already know I'm going to fail... Nothing else is going right, so why should it? I don't get to go home for my birthday and that's really the only thing I wanted... I miss Union City... no, that's not right. I miss Nitia and Tam and Jacki... Jacki won't be there anyway because she leaves to see her daughter and grand-daughter out of state... But still, that doesn't mean I have to enjoy being stuck in this PIT working my ass off to go someplace I don't even have a map to... (A metaphorical place as we still have no fucking place to go or store our belongings...) I have dropped out of the Encore! acting group on campus. I am seriously considering dropping out of college... just not coming back in the Fall at all... I see no point to it. My medications have quit working as of late. There's too much stress and drama to deal with on my own. I am so tired of being the Rock in all of this. I never break down. Ever. I can't cry. I can't scream. I can't break things. I must be a good little Ya-ya for everyone else. Plus, little bro still has school to attend until the end of the first week of June and we have no idea how that's going to work out amidst all of this. I'm not good at much in life. I can sing and I can write. I can organize until my fingers bleed and my brain explodes. I am a good sister and a semi-decent daughter... but none of these skills will help me earn money or find us all a new home... The ammount of cursing going on inside my head would make the devil blush... and I'm no friend to Evil in any form. I only wish I could go back...