Friday, November 25, 2011

Present Day

So, as you will no doubt notice there are a ton of new entries today. I am at the library which is why I was able to do more than just leave them in the Drafts portion of my Dashboard. I have fallen in love with MoonStruck... and am incredibly far behind on my homework. I'd say more but I'm in a hurry...

3:38 P.M.

Today... aren't you thrilled!

12:20 A.M.
I'm listening to music. Yesterday was Thanksgiving. It was alright I guess.
Mom did a great job on the turkey, graving, and the chocolate cake... <3
I still haven't made a dent in my homework. I'm almost entirely broke.
Mandy was busy with Jack's family... which is fine... I guess.
I don't know what's wrong with me lately, but it really has me worried.
I'm sure I'll be fine, though. I always am. I mean, I am never *not* okay.
I rock that way. I'm the type of person who, regardless of the amount of
bitching she does about the pain she's in, will not go to the hospital.
I could have blood coming out of my ears, but unless I was in the presence of
someone like, say for instance, my *MOM*, I would still insist I'm fine.
I don't bother telling *her* I'm okay because she is just as stubborn as I am...
At some point, assuming there is ever an interlude between my homework, classes, finals, and Hell,
I am going to apply for SSI. I figure I will probably get something what with my being BiPolar and all...
As much as the meds cost and the doctor's visits to be able to keep taking them, I damn well deserve a little
help on all of that... of course, I could go off of them again... people always seem to love me when I do that.
NOT! I am impossible off my pills. Even I know that. Combine it with when Mom is off her meds...
that was a disaster of epic proportions.
I'm in love... but it's doomed. And I'll never tell him. Trust me when I say that it's a good thing I keep it to myself.
Trust me. I'd explain, but some things are better left untold. Anyways... I'm sure it's probably just a BP Crush and it'll wear itself out eventually...
I hope...
See you on the flip side!

12:28 A.M.


Keep trying to find the words
to get these feelings off my chest
but my whispered screams go unheard
as I pound my fists then fade to rest...

Head is dizzy, spinning as I fall...
Douse these feelings with gasoline,
light the match and still feel small.
My true face is not yet seen.

Worry worry worry as I get
lost in my own head-space.
No one really, really, really frets
when I disappear... no trace.

Pieces falling in and out
no place to call theirs.
Shying away as they freak out...
they only pretend to care.

my fears, my place, my mind...
hidden in the recesses of my soul.
the world is altogether unkind;
tis nothing but a big black hole.

understanding is a myth,
love - nothing but an ideal.
grab some pills, down a fifth -
for this is the Fate of My Life to seal...

Fading into darkness where now there is but one...
One voice. Your voice. You are calling from the shadows.
You talk of worlds, moons, and suns...
and of secrets only you will ever know.

Talk of sunshine and secrets whispered shall not save me.
The pills were many and the vodka high in proofs.
Yet, to my surprise, I learned something revealing...
For it was not the Dark of Death which set me free, no.
For this night as I lay dying on the roof, watching the stars blink out of existence,
it was your talk of sunshine and moonbeams which sent me reeling...

Your attempts to make a Deal with Death
make me grateful to have known you.
Still you try to save me, on behalf
of my pitiful soul. Still I'll smile...
What else is there to do?

The world makes no sense and I'm at peace with that,
for I will soon be at peace with my world.
No longer will there be a past or future tense to reminisce about.
I watch the stars blink out, losing sight of your eyes as well...
I am afraid of losing you more than I am my mortal soul to Hell.
The wind is dying down to silence; have I lost my ears?
The whisper of your voice, your sobbing, quiets til there is nothing left to hear...
You are gone away from me; I am here all alone...
My biggest fear brought on by darkness, I shall never make it home.
Thank you pills and proofs and weakness... I am now enveloped...
What I thought to be more truly was nothing more than less...
Yeah, I said...
Thank you pills and proofs and weakness... I am now enveloped by the darkness...
What I thought to be more truly was nothing more than less...
~Alanda McRae~

Monday, November 21, 2011

11-20-2011 (Skins)

I've changed my opinion about the show. I've decided I do, in fact, enjoy it. I quite like it.
Except for one thing... Season/Series/Volume (whatever!) #1... The season finale was...
I feel gipped. Yeah. I'm happy about Cassie & Sid. I'm glad Effie was okay.
Glad Anwar & Maxxie got everything all fixed... but... I'm not thrilled about the Big Dramatic Ending they went with.
I won't say *what* that is, just in case there's a reader who hasn't yet seen Skins.... However, I will say I'm annoyed.
Mainly because Season 2 is at the library. Not in my room within reach. Though, in retrospect, that's probably a good thing.
Otherwise, I'd never do my homework. '___'

3:07 A.M.


It's only 1:30 in the morning but it is technically Saturday. Oh fun.
I'll skip the moaning and groaning and go straight to the fun stuff.
MOONSTRUCK is now on my top 20 list of movies...
(I'd name them all but since they're in no particular order, who cares?)
I was dying from laughing within the first 10 minutes...
but what really clinched it was when Nick Cage did his monologue about how love "isn't there to make things easy"
- or something to that effect. It was like, "If I didn't already find NC sexy, I would now!"
Nicholas Cage is the only man who comes to mind when I'm asked about hairy versus non-hairy chests...
In *most* cases I would prefer Non-Hairy and I'd never have to think about it...
However, as is usually the case, I do have an exception to this preference.
Hairy chests are usually a turn-off, but somehow Cage still looks sinfully delicious with one.
Cage is one of the few guys who can rock both looks.
Besides, he got to makeout with CHER! You know I'm jealous...
I mean, Cher is a Goddess and Cage is a Sexy Beast...
I don't know how I made it through the entire movie without squeeling... Oh... Right... Didn't...
Started watching SKINS yesterday. As in the First Season. Yeah. I just grabbed all 3 DVDs from the library...
Granted, I'm only 4 episodes in and I'm still not interested. It seems alright, I just don't particularly feel drawn to it.
If anything I find myself wanting to take the characters into a dark secluded room to beat some sense into them...
and I'm not an incredibly violent person. Hell, I'm in several Peace Groups. Oy...
I'll admit I find Sid to be attractive - thus proving my geek preference to blonde "popular" types...
However, the only thing I find interesting is waiting for the teacher to hook up with Chris and have hot-horny-omg-sex...
This is assuming they ever do. I'm not one to read spoilers. Guess I'm weird that way.
Yay for moaning and groaning now... I have 80 bajillion assignments to do this weekend... I'll die somewhere along the way, I'm sure.
I have 3 interviews & write ups to do for Ab Psych... A "history" to write on my "assigned personality" for our "therapy sessions" in Ab Psych. (Long Story)
Plus I need to gather all the data from the past 5 days for my Behavioral Change Plan and find a computer program to make a line-graph of it all for class... Due Monday. Ugh.
And yes, that's all for the SAME CLASS.
I wrote the composition and did the worksheet but I still have the 6 (?) or so assignments in my workbook for Spanish.
Not to mention how I need to work on my Presentation and my ungodly long Essay (fuck you it's a freaking novel!) for Developmental Psych.
I only feel comfortable with Anthropology and that's because we take notes and study for the like 4 tests... I could take on extra-credit to make up for my absences...
except I'd never be able to finish that on top of everything else by all their deadlines.
Oh, and I also have to do my ATP stuff (it's a volunteer service learning thing which is necessary to pass AbPsych) on Monday mornings...
I need 20 hours and by my math i'll be lucking if I end up with 18 because I was sick 3 weeks in a row. Ugh. Plus, I need to write journals on my ATP stuff for credit in AbPsych...
I'm 2 behind already. Ugh.
I think my head may very well explode.
It certainly feels wonko right now... Caffeine, late hours, no sleep, active mind... not really all to surprising I guess.

1:43 A.M.


I thought about writing so many blogs in the past month.
I thought about screaming at my mom for being, well, herself.
I thought about ranting about everyone on the homestead.
I thought about my hideous classes & rotten homework.
I thought about myself, my friends... you name it.

In the end, it really doesn't matter what I write about because no one really ever listens.
I mean, there's actually a state in the U.S. that legalized domestic violence. WTF?!
Then there's everything which is wrong with Michigan.
I think I'll just sit back & mess around on Sims Social via Facebook because the rest of the world clearly doesn't give a damn.
Oh well... Ain't that just a pity?

9:17 A.M.


it's a little after 1:00 AM.
the play starts day after tomorrow.
still not sure how i'll get there during the weekend.
my fingers are freezing and i have a midterm this week.
still haven't finished all my homework.
wish me luck.
i totally need it.

1:20 A.M.