Friday, December 7, 2012

PTSD and other Devils

I hate how little it takes to set me off. I've worked for years on being able to control my emotions - with little success. The closest I ever get to control is bottling them up or hiding away from my triggers... neither is anything but a quick fix and a surefire way to wind up back at step 1. Between being BiPolar, depressed, and suffering from Anxiety and PTSD I'm not sure I'll ever be able to function properly in society - and that really sucks. Nothing ever really works. I just want to be happy, but lets face it - that will never happen. How it is possible for them to be so close & not know I'm having a meltdown in the next room makes no sense to me. It just doesn't make SENSE! What the FUCK kind of society, place, HELL is this that people can be so obtuse?! What the HELL type of place is it where people can treat others like something they stepped in and Get Away With It?! I just want to scream at the top of my lungs until it's all okay - but I can't. Not even into a pillow, which used to be therapeutic for me in the past. Not here, anyways. He's a bastard. And to hell with being nice about it. I can't breathe, I'm fighting off a damned anxiety attack, and I've been crying for 34 minutes and counting! So why bother anymore? Nothing I do really matters anyway. No one really gives a damn. No one here, that is. I swear if it weren't for Scythe & Robot I'd be in full panic mode right now. I love those two. Screw mom's rules, next tattoos I'm getting is gonna be (aside from my cover up) my guardian reaper with Scythe's name on it like I planned. And I'll figure out something for Robot. I'm trying so hard to get out of this funk - but it still hurts to breathe... 37 minutes, but I've finally stopped crying. Even if this is the most trouble I've ever had Blogging my feelings... Fuck It All, Al.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Is it safe to Rant?

My best friend is in pain & there is basically nothing I can do to help her. I'm feel useless. I know listening can help - but I know also that I could do more if I were there. *sigh* I won't explain the situation - because it is her private business - but I will say this: Girl, you will always be my best friend. I will always be there for you. Don't ever doubt that for a second. You can get through this - you're the strongest person I know... All my love, Havoc...

Monday, November 26, 2012

Happy Late Halloween

Just thought I'd share with you, my patient readers, a few Halloween pictures... Of cousre, my makeup was taken off first - like an idiot! Still, I think you'll enjoy them... I was a vampire, not that you can tell without the red on my face. :P Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving if you're from the U.S. If you aren't, hope you had a wonderful day anyway! Happy Monday!

Thursday, October 11, 2012

"Sorry" - For All of It!

I'm so sorry if "sorry" is something which goes without saying my life. I'm so sorry that I am "sorry" every damn day over one thing or another and, thus, saying the words don't mean anything to me anymore. They're just words. No matter what people say, apologies don't mean anything in the end if the people making the apologies are unappreciated and/or misunderstood. I'm so sorry I am incapable of doing anything right. That any time I try do something nice, it blows up in my face. I'm sorry if I am incapable of understanding body language & verbal tones. I'm sorry I refuse to cry in front of people who make me feel bad, simply because it isn't any of their business if I go beyond the "acceptable" level of such emotions. I'm so damn sorry there is no way of making myself relateable (sp?) or understandable. I'm sorry I seem unapproachable. I'm sorry I "make" you say what it is you want to hear from me. I'm so damned sorry my life is inconsequential to yours & everyone else in this god-forsaken world. I'm sorry I'm too stupid to ignore everybody's unforgivable cruelty. And I am so damned sorry I will never be forgiven for my mental instability which ruins me mentally, emotioonally, and physically Every Single Fucking Day! Tell me, have I made myself clear? ...Or are you all still trying to read between the lines?

Sunday, September 30, 2012


Just spent an hour in a chair, alone, holding an old photo of me and my dad. I was only 7 in it, but I looked genuinely happy... I wanted so much to cry, but of course I can't tell that to anyone in my family because they're all convinced I hated him just because our dynamic was... screwed up I guess is the best term... Then I put it up, had a dizzy spell, knocked over a chair covered in stuff, and just about started crying then... but what's the point? It never makes any difference to me... I can't remember the last time I was really, truly happy... How messed up is that? If I could remember the rant I'd had going in my head during that hour, I'd share it... but I'm not sure it would really help one place my frame of mind...

Wednesday, September 19, 2012


I cannot believe I've neglected my blog for so long! My sister got me hooked on tumblr and ever since I've been completely Click-Happy about the whole thing.
I can't believe I haven't blogged here since before I left MI...

I left MI and went through Chicago, Omaha, Denver, Salt Lake City, Reno, Sacramento, Oakland, and Eureka before arriving... It was a long bus trip. I only wish I had the money to turn around and head home.
I love my sister, but I don't enjoy it here. For several reasons. Most of which involve ALL of my damned friends being BACK IN MICHIGAN thus draining me of a reason to live.

I've been listening to P!nk an awful lot lately. And Halestorm. Icon For Hire. Not that those are at all newsworthy events. *Sigh.*

Love you all,

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Follow the Story portrayed in the Pictures... Or don't... there is no try.

Not for the Faint of Heart!

Alright. I'm not sure which is the weirder of the 2 dreams I had last night...

First, I dreamt of -well- having hot & heavy sex with (you guessed it) Ted Raimi...
On a couch. In my own apartment... It was weird. I never have detailed sex dreams,
let alone really great orgasms in my sleep. Yes, that was plural on purpose.
I always thought T.R. was cute, but I'm still uncertain where this recent fascination stems from.

Later, I followed that dream up with one about joining the Power Rangers... I was a Black Ranger.
Not for the awesome, ORIGINAL Rangers, either... I was a Time Force Ranger... So weird.

What is oddest is that I would have both these dreams in one night. Weirder still is that I'd have 2 dreams
in one night in the first place... I'm still unsettled I even remember them both. I usually fight hard to
regain images from my dreams, so it really is weird.

Hell, these dreams are *so* kooky I won't even say the words out loud. So, if I ever feel the need to
talk about them, I'll have to have Tia read it on here first. LOL!

I seriously never, ever, have sex dreams. Yes, I realize I'm more hung up on that than I am Ted Raimi's
featuring in it. Or that I became a freakin' Power Ranger. I'll admit, normal people would focus on these.
Because I understand these portions of my mind, I'm not too concerned. I watch Power Rangers with
the kids I babysit - no big deal. I was a huge fan as a child growing up. Heck, I'm more surprised it was
Rangers instead of Ninja Turtles, if I'm honest. Besides, what person doesn't dream of being a superhero
at some point in life? So I was a Ranger instead of Wonder Woman - big deal... -_-
As for Ted Raimi - *shrugs.* I had a crush on his character O'Neil from SeaQuest. Also on his character,
Joxer, from Xena. Plus, Tia has been playing Evil Dead Regeneration before bed quite a lot the past few
days or so. I'm not too concerned with it. I'll admit, most people are probably wondering why it's Ted Raimi
instead of Bruce Campbell if she's been playing that video game so often... Frankly, Bruce Campbell is awesome
but, even if they were only dreams, I'm pretty sure Tia would get jealous and kill me over it. (J.k.)
Truth, he's awesome...but not really my type. :(:

Now, I'm off to find food. Orgasms make a girl hungry, don't you know?

May your thoughts and comments all be entertaining!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Eat That, SparkleButt


"Eat that, SparkleButt." Sky says when Jericho goes after Ziggler. (5 year olds are *so* cute!)
I literally fall off the couch and onto the floor when Jericho loses... I do everything but cry,
I am so upset to see him go! I still can't believe his contract has been terminated and that he's
now gone from the WWE.

Missing Summer Slam was bad enough, but all this drama just busts up my mind.
I wanted to kick Paul DumbF**k in the face when he called BROCK JERKFACE LESNER
the new King of Kings. "Triple H is the ONLY King of Kings!" to quote Phoenix.
Damn straight. I ran right to Twitter to post that quote of hers when she spoke it.

I'll admit Sheamus didn't win fairly at Summer Slam. However, I don't give a shit because the
referee made that call. I'll also concede Sheamus' behavior tonight was less than mature.
Again, I don't care - I got a kick out of it! I was laughing my ass off throughout Del Rio &
Randy Orton's match... I loved when Orton won and I certainly loved everything Sheamus had
to say.

Normally, I'm a huge PUNK fan. Tonight, however, I must say I agreed with JOHN CENA a
hundred percent. While I also believe PUNK deserved the apology from Jerry... I don't think
kicking him in the head was worth it. If anything, his search for Respect is actually costing him
the Respect he had to start with. I respected him plenty, even after everything, until tonight. I don't
think I can say I still respect him after that HEEL move... One can't demand respect from people as
if they are mindless yuppie zombies who'll do anything one says simply because one says something.
Acting like we won't realize it's how he's treating his fans (and everyone else's fans) isn't going to get him
anywhere. *Sigh.*

When KANE snapped on ZACK, his freaking PARTNER, I just started getting fed up with the whole night.
Yes, DANIEL BRYAN ran off like a COWARD. Yes, KANE was FRUSTRATED. However, going after your
partner instead of your OPPONENT'S PARTNER is hardly Fair or Worth Watching.

"I'm imagining something Amazing." Sydney (7 years old) said at the end of RAW, and all I could think is -
"So am I, kid... So am I." Thankfully, I have a Kick-Ass imagination and Creativity up the WaZoo...
Eventually, a bunch of happy thoughts will enter my head and I'll quit feeling so Jipped. That is how I feel
right now... Jipped. Upside, Orton won his match with Del Rio... and Sin Cara won his match... Suppose I'll
just have to be content with that, if nothing else.

I should really go to bed soon. I'm sitting for Phoenix's little sisters tomorrow while she's at work...

Monday, August 20, 2012


I updated my tumblr today. It has a great post on it about something which happened yesterday. I totally suggest you check it out because I don't feel like retyping the entire thing. http://eveofdestruction-havoc.tumblr.com/

To my avid readers, I hope you enjoy! <3