Tuesday, January 24, 2012


Everything got straightened out with FAFSA. I've changed my degree to going for Liberal Arts and should graduate in 2013 :( which sucks because I now have to take a science and a communications and another math class... ugh. I'm not even sure how I'll pass the classes I have *this* semester. Yeck.
I'm auditioning tomorrow night after Spanish for the musical. Wish me luck.
Necesito tener suerte... I think that's how you say it. I also have a quiz to study for and about 3 packets to finish by Thursday. Did I mention I don't understand about 2/3 of my Math? I feel incredibly non-intelligent at this juncture in time.



drugs - needles
nothing comes easy
time to fly


5:13 A.M.

I should be sleeping so I can be rested for class, but I'm not.
I can't get into that state of mind for sleep.
It turns out, as Fate would have it, that the FUCKED UP gov't is screwing me over.
My financial aid is being revoked and, as if that wasn't enough, they are putting me on Academic Suspension so I will not be able to get more F.A. for a year (or is it 2?).
This puts a giant wrench in my plans to attend Western this Fall as it makes it completely impossible to afford.
I feel like curling up in a ball and crying.
As it is, my plans are to attend today's classes.
Then I'm going to track down a Student Advisor to straighten this nonsense out.
If it turns out that isn't possible - which is likely considering how this month is going - I will then drop all my classes and try to pay the fine for it.
Telling my mother all this was *not* a picnic as I have a cumulative GPA of 3.60 out of 4.00 - which makes this even more bogus.

You know, my first tattoo was inspired by my love of music. My thirst for it.
It may not always pull me back from that edge - but it never lets me jump *off* that edge, either.
I'm not so sure I can continue on this way.

The only real reason I decided to go to college was because I lack the self-confidence to go for what I really want.
I've had the same dream since I was 4 years old... but then, that's why they're dreams...
If they were possible in any way, one wouldn't need to be asleep to experience them.

My writer's block is still in full swing on my stories, but my lyrics are coming along just fine.
I can't help my poetic nature. Even if everything has been said & done before.

5:22 A.M.

P/s. Look up "Black Guitar" by Leni Stern for a good listening experience if you need a better grasp of my mood.
Follow that up with "Tell Me Where it Hurts" & "I'm Only Happy When it Rains" by Garbage and "What's Going On" by The Veronicas. End it with "Numb" by Circus Asylum.

Waves of Silence

all this silence pounding in my head
beating, pulsing, pushing, pounding...
as I fight the tides of flooding dread.
these silent screams are resounding.
the pain is slight but constant,
adding to the silent waves breezing past.
the truth, the noise is far too distant...
the silence seems will forever last -
as the waves beat out a rhythm silent as the night.
honest noise is fading fast - too far gone to grasp.
still, the dreadful silence tries to fight, to fight me...
truth, air... someone help me, give me what I need to breathe...
so much for one great stand as I take my final gasp...........

1:09 A.M.

~*~Alanda McRae~*~

Friday, January 6, 2012

"Death is Beautiful" - Misnomers can Go Fuck ThemSelves!

12:55 A.M.

-What ever fucking moron said that "Death is beautiful" or "there's beauty in death" should be beaten with a Fucking Shovel and forced to
endure the pain of having his or her appendages shoved into a damned blender!
-Let me start over. My stepfather died on January 4th. It was definitely NOT PRETTY in ANY FUCKING WAY.
I get it. I should be crying and saying all these things about him so everyone could feel they knew him or whatever. But NO!
The first person who tells me that "anger is a stage of grief" should seriously start running about half an hour before opening their mouth.
I took Psychology classes - I'm not an idiot.
I am fully aware of the stages of grief and this has nothing to do with that.
This is me saying what SO MANY people *wish* they could vocalize.
You emo-morons-with-a-death-wish-necrophiliac-hard-on-wannabes should remove your heads from your asses and Wake the Fuck Up!
Life is beautiful. Death is a messy wreck of turmoil and disgusting hellishness.
There is no excuse for saying it is anything other than what it is.
Yes - it's necessary. Yes - it is inevitable.
No - lying to make oneself feel better is *not* excusable...
Death is there. Live with it. Deal with it. Move on. But don't ever try and lie to me and say how lovely it is.
Roses are lovely. Raindrops are lovely. Snowflakes are lovely.
Sunshine and Rainbows and Laughter... Those are lovely. Death... is fucking ugly and you all need to face that fact.
Or endure the trauma when you don't. Either way - don't come to me with your weak-balled band-aid "poetic" NONSENSE!
My mother went into a manic depressive episode when we found him - NOT BEAUTIFUL!
My sister started crying and freaking out - NOT BEAUTIFUL!
My brother started saying he "should have known something was wrong" and refuses to cry because he's a boy; he's angry. And guess what - it is NOT BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!
The shade of white a person gets when they die is NOT beautiful!
The purple lips are NOT BEAUTIFUL!
And the lack of a pulse when you search for it - not romantic so the stupid authors should seriously quit being so SWEET about it in their DAMNED VAMPIRE NOVELS! (I like and write vamp novels so don't start comparing me to any religious fanatics you may know - this is totally unrelated to that shit)
There is NOTHING at all BEAUTIFUL about Death...
So stop FANTASIZING about it you emo-morons...
Poetry is beautiful - yes. Death is poetic - so is everything else in the world if you have a creative bone in your body.
This doesn't mean death is beautiful. It never will.
Before anyone asks me how I'm "dealing" or "coping" with everything - the answer is as follows:
I'm alternating between my FUCK playlist and the song Walk Of Life by Billie Piper...
If you all have any annoying, repetitive, pointless, stupid, inane questions - by all means, comment on this post.
If you can't because you're only a reader and not actually a blogger - there's a link to my Facebook and Youtube somewhere on here.
And, no, I won't answer them individually. I'll compile them and just do a blog about them...
Just for future reference. Now, I'm off to actually sleep so that I can do a whole bunch of other Death-Related actions in the morning.
Buenas Noches.


1:20 A.M.

December 29th, 2011

Danielle showed up for a visit. Since it's mom's birthday tomorrow, I'm not surprised.
She also brought her Whatever and her brother along. It didn't bug me until her Whatever started getting pissy.
Yes, that is *exactly* how I intend to describe his rude behavior.
I don't mind that he was in a rush - I can totally understand that.
I do, however, mind the TONE he was using in reference to me. I love Danielle dearly but...
That tone. Ugh. It's the condescending "I am superior to you" tone that always puts me in a fighting mood.
I can't stand people who think they are so "bad ass" or "gangstah" or "street" or whatever other nonsense one can think of.
It's ridiculous and liable to get them into trouble as far as I'm concerned.
This is even *more* true as I have gone off my medications.
My *lovely* pills don't work anymore. I still didn't get angry so much, but the amount of crying was god-awful insane.
So yes, against everyone's reccomendations, I have gone off my medication.
At least until I can talk to a Doc about the whole thing.

8:11 P.M.