Wednesday, October 21, 2009


everything is a mess. i have tonsilitis. it hurts like a mofo. my head is spinning. the only upside is that it's relatively warm today. about fuckin time too.

i love tia's mom. she filled my and mom's scrips as soon as they came in cuz she knew we'd want them.

so i didn't even have to wait one minute when i walked in today to get them. AWESOMENESS.

i ran out of cool-aid my head is dizzy. and i'm tired. i just wanna go home.
Let's see the BIG BAD WOLF get this Red Riding Hood! :D


October 19th, 2009
I've been sick for the past 4 days. Gah. Saw Tia saturday. That was fun. Almost spent the night but decided not to. and that was a good thing since i came down with a fever. i'd already had a cold and a sore throat. Plus i ended up extremely dizzy and shit. it's really bad. but luckily i have an appointment today. i'm gonna talk to doctor cox about it when i tell her about the mood stabilizers. i've decided to quit taking my birth control and zoloft. i don't see a point in taking the zoloft since it doesn't help me any. and why take BC when i don't have sex? god, if i do then he can use a fucking condom. oh yeah. i found the cough syrup and sore throat spray. also found my Horehound candies. or what's left of them. drank up all my water yesterday. and 2/3 of my coolaid. of the bottle, not a cup. felt the need to clarify. i'm so hungry. i haven't been eating lately. had like 3 peaches. well. of the slices. and a small bowl of blueberry oatmeal. i keep nearly choking on my phlegm. it's nasty. and i want to be healthy again. had hot cocoa. and broth. yep yep. if my sister doesn't shut up i'm going to kill her. she has nothing to complain about. not when i'm as sick as i am right now. but she is at least going to the dr's with me. yeah later.


October 16th, 2009
So. I finally got a message from Marty. He does want me to call him, surprisingly. He's working now, can you believe it? He didn't say what he did, but still. It's a start. Heard from Nitia today. She liked the CD and we want to get together to re-record the music for myspace. I wrote a new song this morning that even Amanda can sing awesomely. She even likes it. It's punk rock and it's called Pretty Pretty Gritty. Cool, right? So I caught up online today. I applied for the Spring Semester of college. Keep your fingers crossed. I need to update my blog pretty bad. Anyways, i made a website today. It's for my videos so that other people can download them. If they want to. SO yeah. I can't wait to finish it. I should update my tripod. But that can wait... it's after midnight so I guess it's the 17th now. Still. Uilliam was so sweet today. He made/gave me a sandwich when he got home, got me soda when mom got home. Gave me a big glass so that i could take my pills and shit. Including a pain killer for my Sore Throat. I'm gonna talk to the doctor monday about seeing if she can give me a temporary prescription for it since we're broke. I also have a really bad cough. Gag. The low tonight is in the high 20s. kill me. it's too cold for this. I can't wait til halloween. Hopefully it will be warm that night. after all, i'm wearing a skirt and thin clothes. Red Riding Hood. Uilliam cuddled with me til I fell asleep. He didn't want me to feel bad. He can be so cute. I can't apply for my fafsa til after January... Which, is when my spring classes start. Keep your fingers crossed that I can get up there to talk to them and get my classes. Hopefully I can find a way to get them all online so that I don't need to worry about a nonexistent form of transportation... Or maybe I can get mom's plates and insurance with whatever's left over from my fafsa?? i can't believe i only just thought of that. Yeah. So... I haven't seen donnie and amber since Tuesday or so... This place is so boring. I wish there was something to do. I did 20 sit ups yesterday, consecutively, just for the hell of it. I was hoping for 25 but i'll live. I'm trying to make it a regular thing, exercise. But I keep sleeping away the hours. But I did go to and from the library today. Uploaded about a third of the videos i made. I woke up at 1 am today so it's not hard to believe that when i got home at 2 oclock i got on here and played Bookworm for a few hours. At around 5 I went upstairs and passed out. I wish I had a phone! Then I'd be able to talk to people more often. Like DANIELLE... though i did get 2 messages from her on Elfpack. I need to remember to check that more often. Or else I'll never make sense. Okay, time to do something else, I keep rambling today. Gah....

Update 2

October 8th, 2009
Hey there. Lacretia went back with gramma yesterday. I'm so not happy about that but at least I'll get her back when I get my own place. I just finished filling out my application for PS. I can't wait to hand it in. Maybe I'll be able to get one for Citgo and Shell, etc. I really need a job. The sooner I get one, the sooner I can move out. If Amanda gets one too, then we can get a place together. seperate rooms of course. and keeping it clean is a must. and she can bite it if she doesn't like me bringing my animal friends. i want a place in the country on the edge of town, you know? I saw Jeff today. This shrink guy actually has some common sense. I was shocked. He thinks I'm bipolar and we're going to see about treatment. Totally mental but still. Yay. I started my period this morning. that sucked. i am so dizzy lately that it's driving me crazy. mom is watching a movie and i'm listening to music. i plan on making another video or two. something to do tomorrow. (uploading to youtube, most definitely.) i miss nitia and danielle. it's crazy but i really want a girls' night out. music, dancing, and a little bit of vodka. maybe we can go karaoke at the bar sometime next week or something. i don't know. Danielle is still in tennessee of course, but i'm sure amber would like to come. hell, maybe invite sarah and latisha. saw them at the gas station today. with james. it was really weird. i got a hug from sarah before she left. then another one from tisha. which was odd since we barely know eachother. we were close in 3rd grade but after that... and james was even being nice to me. and we haven't ever liked eachother for as long as we've known eachother. and that's since kindergarten. But still it was nice. I got my flu shot today. I didn't even notice it. bro didn't go to school today. he wasn't feeling well. donnie was late getting mom but he did show up. apparently he didn't hear his alarm. not that i'm surprised. we can't get the tv to come in so i won't be watching Supernatural tonight. I wish we could get Fox in so that mandy and i could watch bones. Gah this is driving me nuts.
October 10th, 2009
I went with Amanda to her appointment. It was boring. Whatever. I'm bored today. I wish I wasn't addicted to caffeine. Or turkey sandwiches. I am so weird. I haven't talked to Nitia in a while. I haven't checked my email in over a week, either. And believe me, I know I need to. Goddess only knows what Savanna has gotten herself into by now. And not to mention myspace is probably totally in need of maintenance on my part. So that sucks. Well. Short but sweet. Later.

October 13th, 2009
Hey everyone. I have an appointment with the doctor on monday. So mom has to get me a ride for that. I'm currently finishing off my Vala/Dan video that will momentarily be done exporting and then we can watch it. Yay. Amanda is driving me nuts trying to get the computer away from me. I have to be up by 8 so I can't exactly let myself be idle. It's now 5:22 am. So I really can't go to bed. I plan on going to the bathroom in a second and doing my makeup at around 7-ish. Ugh. I am not the one to get Uilliam up today. I won't do it. I just did my nails and hair, I don't need him wrecking it cuz he's upset. Nope. Lalala. I'm bored. Later.
October 13th, 2009
Hey. Got home around 10 p.m. Took forever. We went and dropped off some applications. No big. I fell asleep in their car while they were at her parents'. Mandy and I are trying to get mom to rustle up something to eat cuz we're starving and i'm going to be sick if she doesn't. The movies came in from Netflix today. That was cool. Inkheart was great yesterday. Uilliam is mad at me. I don't blame him but he can be such a pain sometimes that i just snap. I love him anyways though so it's okay. well. later.


“Everywhere is nowhere.” -Seneca
“She is beautiful, she’s unpredictable, damned irresistible, it’s impossible to hate her.”
Miss Impossible by Poets Of The Fall…
October 2nd, 2009
I feel like I‘m falling apart. And there isn‘t any reason for it. If it weren‘t for my music, I don‘t know what I‘d do. My medication doesn’t seem to be working and I have an appointment coming up to see a shrink. Something I was hoping to never have to do again. Amber and Donnie are getting married November of next year. Mark and Danielle are also getting married in November next year. I’m a bridesmaid in both weddings. The whole thing is ridiculous. Amber lost her baby, so she feels like shit. And I don’t blame her. There’s a remote possibility that I could be PG but I doubt it. I’d like to be, but it’s really remote. If I was, the guy wouldn’t care anyways. Even though I totally fell for him, and that just sucks major. I can’t wait to get my flu shot. Though I don’t see the point since I think I’m coming down with it. Whatever. Good Night, it’s after midnight so yeah.
October 2nd, 2009
People drive me crazy. I got a letter from Grandma Sandy today. That was nice… I’m going to write her back soon. But first this. Since I’m not sure when I’ll be able to update it again. It’s almost 5 in the afternoon. Amanda is helping bro with his homework. Math is ugh. Even worse when it’s fractions. I was never good at fractions. Something I really wish I could overcome. I plan on doing so much. Now if only I could actually follow through on my plans. I would love to go to college. I’d love to become a writer and a singer. I need to help Nitia finish that book we’re writing. It’s really going to be good if we can get somebody to publish the damn thing. Maybe Amanda should help us. Because my ideas are running low, I don’t know how to refresh my creativity. Uilliam doesn’t want to listen to Amanda right now, I don’t think he’ll ever learn if he doesn’t begin to listen when we try to teach him stuff. Oh my god. He’s telling us how he watched music videos during class. No wonder his grades are already deteriorating. And I’m contributing by getting him the videos. Good lady. What is wrong with me? I feel like crap. I can’t wait until tomorrow. It’s heritage day and Donald is taking Amber, Mom, and I all out for Chinese. I’ve never had Chinese food and this is why they’re doing it. I can’t help but laugh when I remember their reaction to the knowledge that I’ve never had any. It was so funny. So cliché. My back hurts like crazy. I really should write that letter to Savanna. Just one more thing I need to do. Plus I need to read my book. Set up my clothes for tomorrow. Gah. So much to do. This keyboard sticks. It’s so annoying. I can’t wait to go to college. I hope I can. When I do, I will get a laptop so I can get online classes. A dell would be preferable. I need to wake up. I am so tired. I got plenty of sleep though and there’s no excuse for it. Just another issue I need to address I suppose.
October 4th, 2009
I’m listening to music. Mom is making dinner. And I’m not eating. It all seems gross. Chicken nuggets, Mac N Cheese, and French fries. Yuck. I just want a chocolate bar and cereal with something good to drink. Uilliam is on his gameboy. Mandy is upstairs on bro’s laptop. She is addicted to making videos I swear. Yeah it’s fun for me but I don’t think I could do it as much as she does. I wouldn’t put 9 hours worth of work into one music video anyways. It just seems ridiculous to me. I wish I had something to do. Like homework or a job. I wish I was in college right now. It just gets so boring being here all day. And it’s getting cold. And we didn’t get Chinese yesterday and won’t get it for about 2 weeks. Which doesn’t bother me. I just wish they’d called ahead of time. So inconsiderate. My back is killing me. Ross and Castillo came by today. That was kind of cool. We talked about cops and cars and bullshit. Nothing big there. Castillo doesn’t think it should take too much to fix mom’s car. I want to watch a movie. My stomach feels like it’s trying to turn in on itself. It’s weird. I wish I could get back into the book I’m reading. I suddenly lost interest for no reason. And it’s a good book so I don’t get it. I’m always so tired. And I’m about to start my period. Big fun. Not. Explains why I feel sick and why everything smells like it’s going to make me sick. Right now all my dreams seem to be disappearing into despair. I burned my finger earlier. Just a little. Nothing too bad. I keep dreaming of Marty and I hate that. I hate that I miss him so much. He hasn’t spoken to me since that last day. And that makes me feel so stupid. Believe me. I hate that I’m so naïve. I’m normally such a good judge of character, but when it comes to sex and love… then I fuck myself over. I’m so dizzy. It’s sickening. I can’t wait to go back to bed. Pathetic. Considering how much I’ve been sleeping lately… it’s insane. Thank goddess for music. It’s the only reason I haven’t totally lost it. I am so tired. What the hell is wrong with me? I just keep wondering why I would end up like this. This way. I just don’t get it!
October 6th, 2009
I wish that I could make my dreams go away. I just keep dreaming of him. It's so frustrating. I have no reason what-so-ever to miss him. But I keep seing his face in my dreams at night. I only wish it'd stop. I have an appointment on Thursday to see that shrink. Fun fun. I want to scream. Lacretia had to move to a different home yet again and it was heartbreaking. She kept trying to follow mom back to the car. I wish we had a dog house and the $200 for her. She's my baby and all I want to do is cry. I don't even know how long Ross is going to be able to keep her. He said just for a few days which isn't exactly specific you know. And his bitch mother was talking about some other chick having her cuz she wants a dog. No one seems to get that they aren't keeping her forever. Eventually I'm getting my own place and I will get her back. Because she's mine and I love her enough not to want her bounced around to people who don't take care of her right. And I know Ross will do a good job but I don't know about anyone else being able to. I just want her back. She's so full of love and adventure, it'd be wrong to take her to a Humane Society for that shit. The idea that they'd put her down would kill me. I mean, if she was deathly ill it'd be one thing, but she's totally healthy. This is fucking ridiculous... even bro misses her and he hardly ever saw her. I want my DOG BACK! This is completely wretched. I still haven't cried over it yet. There are too many people around and I don't feel like explaining it to them. I feel so depressed. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it! Damn I miss her... I'm still in my pajamas. I don't even want to move. I hate talking to people. What business is it of theirs how I feel or don't feel? Maybe I should just print up my fricking diary tomorrow and hand it to the guy when I walk in his office. No. None of his business what I think or how I feel. Sure, the doc thinks I'm bipolar, and there's a strong possibility she's right. But I've gone this long without help for it. At least I have my music. No one can take that away from me. Music, caffeine, and a little bit of alcohol. Sounds like a good night to me. Better with some rain and lightning. Nature's music. Something to dance in. Amanda just got home. Yay. I'm hoping some bouncy music will get me in a better mood. But I don't know. I'm no longer depressed. I've moved up to bored. Wow. Good music I guess. I think I'm coming down with a cold or something. As long as it isn't the flu, though. This whole day royally sucked. It was a total waste of time. I can't believe this. I just want to go to bed. And I slept plenty. I guess I'm hoping I can sleep away my life. Except I'm genuinely tired. So I don't know. I don't feel like singing but I'm trying to hide the fact that I feel like falling... Plus, sometimes doing it when I'm not in the mood gets me in the mood to sing. Who knows, it may still work... I'll update you later!