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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

College

ugh i just finished registering for classes.
and i wasn't able to take Philosophy or Easy Spanish like i wanted to...
and it's all mom's fault for takin so long to take me. :(

Grr.

so i'm stuck instead with a lit course
and psychology. *fingers crossed*

i need all the help i can get.

i'm gonna go talk to cameron and j* and daydream about robert. :) yes i'm a freak.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

update 2

hey it's 4:40 am Friday the 6th, of August 2010.
so i'm in the middle of a total meltdown. i thought i was going to make it through this without one,
but i looked at the date wrong and saw the 6 upside down as a 9.
needless to say my anxiety kicked in before my brain
figured out why, or even that the numbers were wrong.
i've been crying for about 30 or so minutes.
i'm totally freaked out, sad, and pissed off. this just
isn't fair. i was so hopeful that i would get through
it this year. but nope, that was just too much to hope
for. fuck you cruel world.

the sickest part is, there's only 2 people i feel
comfortable talking to about this. one is so busy
with her new boyfriend that she wouldn't even notice
if i broke down in front of her, least of all figure out why.
which is so fucked since she is the first/only person i told. other people know, but they figured it out.
i ran to her for help with it when it first happened.
literally ran all the way up town just to cry on her
shoulder.
the other person i talk to about this, her mom hates me
so we can't see e/o that often. the whole thing is fucked.
and my mom is mad at both of them. so i'm eternally fucked.
and i don't feel comfortable re-telling the original story to someone, not even T* or Killey or Cameron,
just so i could break down on their shoulder...
and i hate it so much because i just wanna cry all the time.
i don't wanna talk about it. i want to pretend it never happened. just forget about it. but damn it. whenever the 9th rolls around, i remember. i have nightmares at random through-out the year. but i've gone 4 months w/o them so i thought i was okay...
but nope, guess not. and i know, i just know, that if i go to sleep... i just don't wanna remember the details. i don't wanna remember anything...
great. i started crying again. i was hoping that typing this down would get all this out. i guess not.
nothing is ever that simple, is it?
i hate this. it's been 3 days short of 3 years. and people wonder why i don't date... well guess what! this is why... i hate trying to get over it. or even pretend that i am.
it just never stop... i don't think it ever will at this point.
it scares the hell out of me that i could really be so alone. i know i'm not. there are others out there like me. i'm in groups online to prove that. but it just is nowhere near the same. and i hate it. i hate it so much. i know hate is a strong word, but the truth is that it doesn't come close to explaining just how much i loathe this feeling. D* or Nyx, if you've read this, please come over. To hell w/what my mom thinks on the matter. If i'm still online, check the library. if not, the apartment.
i'm not sure i can get through karaoke night tonight, T*. but i'll try for your sake.

Eeyore in a Box with The Creeper,
Havoc

update 3

9:38 pm august 7th, 2010 saturday

i'm sitting over on T*'s couch. Killey is playing Res Evil 4... *eyes roll*

T* had a frog/toad inside. it was so cute. til i remembered science class.

so i'm drinkin killey's soda and waiting to go home since the RenFaire is tomorrow morning.

"Good morrow" yes it will be.

ugh. this game, like so many others, is makin' me sick.
damn things anyways.

i'm hungry again. got here at like 5ish for their dinner. aka my breakfast.
so yeah i guess it makes since, right?

i'll raid the fridge in a sec if it's ok w/T*.
till then, maybe my head will stop spinning.

i shouldn't feel so sick if i'm technically fine.

whatever,
Havoc

update 1

10:45 pm
8-4-2010
Wednesday


Killey can be so sweet sometimes. He offered to pay
for half of my ticket to go to Renfaire this weekend.
But I don't know where I'd get the other half so I guess
I'll just decline...
*sigh*
It's become like an addiction or something. Wouldn't you
figure? Oh well, there's still karaoke. Watch me not
sing because of my tooth. I've had issues pronouncing
my words correctly ever since it happened.
It's like my lisp is coming back and that really upsets
me.

On top of everything, I had this weird dream about all
the Star Trek series mixed with Stargates and Firefly... which suddenly transversed to us all at the renfaire watching Killey throw knives. I am so confused on what that one means. And this is before I found out Killey was going with T* to the R.F.

My head is spinning so it's time to go find liquids.

Not enough time,
Havoc

Rowan




If I ever need a smile, I know exactly who to go to. He can always make me laugh. And he can be incredibly sweet. i really hope you all can read that... it is just so nice to know things can be appreciated. (i had a diff prof pic when he first said it than what is shown.)

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Vault

Okay so I'm at T*'s place since she'll be moving next month (sad face). Killey is with us. We are recording everything that is going on for sake of the Vault but there isn't much going on since, somehow, we are being extremely quiet. we'll look back on this day and hear keyboards, bad music, and videogame sounds... hardly any talking is going on at all.

Tomorrow we run away to RenFaire (yes I got the money somehow) and I am totally excited. I've already been twice, I know, but how can I help it?! RenFaire is simply awesome. Like a drug!

Killey is such a sad panda. It's funny there's a cult in his honor. (I.L.K. on myspace!)(I Love Killey)... there is also Killey_Erin_is_a_great_friend on facebook. man we are mental.

http://www.myspace.com/havocangelmusic/

I keep listening to music on that page. And the entire time T* is telling me which songs they are... funny since I wrote them and I should know that. Yet, I don't. LOL!

I can't wait til tomorrow. I'm thinking of taking a nap on her couch while they play video games... IDk.

and I just did a yawn * stretch... now i'll rub my eyes and wake up, right? lol. i hope anyway. nope.

Troll Faced,
Havoc

Friday, August 6, 2010

Grr

I typed my original blog entry at 4 am this morning but it won't let me simply copy and paste it. so i will upload it at another time. as i am not in the mood to rewrite something that long.

if i can come up with 3 dollars by sunday, i can go to renfaire w/killey and tia. yaaaaay us. i really wanna go. assuming i can keep from having a meltdown. monday is gonna suck.

yeah i'm not sure i wanna say much more than that since i'm sitting in the public library uptown, ya know?

Monday, August 2, 2010


8-1- 2010 2:47 AM


I am eagerly awaiting the time when I am to get up, get dressed, and get going. I am going to the RenFaire today with T* and I am so enthused. Watch something happen to F*ck it up. I am sooo waiting for the other shoe to drop. time to listen to music. good night everyone.


Energetically yours,

Havoc


-------------


RENFAIRE WAS AWESOME! I loved it yesterday! We saw Hob the Troll & the Rogue Blades twice. they were that awesome. and hung out w/cameron. saw savvie. D* was with us for a while but she got distracted. Ugh. She is so making me sick right now. Saw Robert there again. he is so adorable. oh well. anyways. austin hung out w/us for about half the day. that was different. i didn't eat much. drank lots of water. walked all day. and wound up gaining 15 pounds somehow by the time i got home. i'm still confused. oh well. saw the fireeater twice, too. the second time we only saw about 5 minutes of his show cuz we got held up leaving the Rogue Blades. :( oh well. the RogueBlades were AWESOME though. and we talked w/everyone before finally getting mom to drive us home. lol. I was so serene and happy on the way home. i fell asleep after dropping D* off at home. Woke up several hours later in the car and dragged myself upstairs to upload all the photos... i wish you were all there for it!