Monday, April 30, 2012

My Torment

Today is the last day of April. It's supposed to be a Wiccan Holiday, but I can't find anything to celebrate, I'm afraid. First, I woke up with a fever. Then, I had to attend court while studying for my Math Test. We lost in court - no surprise - to a creep who should be sued for Slander. He lied to the court and is trying to say we "destroyed property" which is a big joke considering how much we actually FIXED since moving in. Throw in how he's trying to say we didn't pay January's rent when we did - well, it's easy to figure out why I'm so vexed. We have 10 days to move out and I have Finals all this week. To top it all off, I'm pretty certain I failed my test in math today. It was our last chapter test before our Final which we'll only have 2 days to review for. I have a Spanish Final (the first part) this evening... Plus, the second part on Wednesday after my Philosophy Final. Thursday - on my BIRTHDAY - I will be taking my Music and Math Finals. I can't for the life of me figure out why when I already know I'm going to fail... Nothing else is going right, so why should it? I don't get to go home for my birthday and that's really the only thing I wanted... I miss Union City... no, that's not right. I miss Nitia and Tam and Jacki... Jacki won't be there anyway because she leaves to see her daughter and grand-daughter out of state... But still, that doesn't mean I have to enjoy being stuck in this PIT working my ass off to go someplace I don't even have a map to... (A metaphorical place as we still have no fucking place to go or store our belongings...) I have dropped out of the Encore! acting group on campus. I am seriously considering dropping out of college... just not coming back in the Fall at all... I see no point to it. My medications have quit working as of late. There's too much stress and drama to deal with on my own. I am so tired of being the Rock in all of this. I never break down. Ever. I can't cry. I can't scream. I can't break things. I must be a good little Ya-ya for everyone else. Plus, little bro still has school to attend until the end of the first week of June and we have no idea how that's going to work out amidst all of this. I'm not good at much in life. I can sing and I can write. I can organize until my fingers bleed and my brain explodes. I am a good sister and a semi-decent daughter... but none of these skills will help me earn money or find us all a new home... The ammount of cursing going on inside my head would make the devil blush... and I'm no friend to Evil in any form. I only wish I could go back...


Random Inspiration

Fuck it All

So life's a bitch... this isn't news... but still... i would love nothing more than to go off the handle and start ranting, but if i do that i won't be able to stay calm for my Final in Spanish so there is no point. I figure life is shit anyway so it isn't likely to change anytime soon...

Thursday, April 26, 2012

the Write Guy

lol. ok. yes i'm talking about Doug. it's weird but ever since i met him i can't seem to stop writing stuff.

i keep hoping he'll get online today but i doubt he will. i want to tell him yes but by the time he gets online i'll probably be walking home.

invisible like shadows in a faded light...

ok then. halloween is yay. just have to keep telling myself that. except all my best buds are far away this year. it just won't be the same...


Technically I was thinking about all this yesterday, but why bother with semantics/specifics? Everyone thinks I'm this big, tough girl with high standards incapable of compromise. Truth is I am as small inside as I am big outside. My impossible standards are just my need for happiness being compensated for with my fear of rejection. Which, conveniently, is masked as a fear of commitment. I had a lot of trouble controlling my emotions as a kid. Senior year I became super "mellow." I was mellow for so long no one actually noticed the change from that to now. I'm still trying to pinpoint when Mellow transcended to Apathy. When Apathy transcended to Repress/Suppression... R/Spression into Anxiety. Anxiety into Hopelessness... Though, looking back, it really skipped the R/Spressions and anxiety... after all, those 3 have always been there. People still tell me I'm mellow.... further proving they are clueless to the corners of Language and Emotion. When I was younger I was so Certain... yes, Certain with a capital C. I knew what I wanted, why I wanted it, and that I would get it... Now... I've become the total opposite of that brilliant, wise, emotionally honest soul I used to be... and it sucks big time... like a vaccuum or a black hole.... I miss you fellow members of the Black Hole Society... ~Raindancer~ 1:54 A.M.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Pictures to Spark an Idea

4 15 2012

8:45 P.M. "He ruined my life." - I still can't believe I said that to her this morning. My friend Monica & I were up til about 1 or 2 A.M. talking. I was more than a tad tipsy - but not quite smashed. I wound up remembering the bastard's name - something I thought I had repressed into a forgotten piece of time... but no, it was still there in my head. Still is, unfortunately... Luckily, no one else was awake for this conversation or else I'd be seriously regretting it this morning. And she was so tired she probably doesn't even remember the statement. Still... she asked me what happened and I just went to the video I had made. Hmm. Can't help but laugh a little at her response. She didn't say "I'm sorry" or "That's awful" or anything most people would say. Instead she said, "You uploaded it a year ago and this is the first view? Wow..." You can't get much better than that. Perfect response really. I've considered making a 2nd one since then, one with more detail to see if it would help me any towards feeling better... but she made a point with that statement. Even if it wasn't her intention. Why bother? Alcohol + Secrets = Big Bad Uh Oh Ness... Just saying... 9:00 P.M. ------------------------ April 15th, 2012 Everyone believes I'm so damned tough. What a fucking joke. I've been Acting tough since I was in 4th grade for Heaven's sake! And it isn't because I'm such a Fabulously Talented actress that everyone buys it, either. Nope. It's because people are so Fucking Stupid! They are self-absorbed and completely apathetic to those around them. I can't act. I really can't. So clearly the world - at least my corner of it - is filled with first rate Morons. I just get so angry some times and I know I can't say a damned thing because of this stupid Pedestal people have put me on. It's ridiculous. I'm so tired of living up to it. I truly am... 10:14 P.M. ~Raindancer~

The Cracks

I'll never know what it is to be whole. I've been unhappy since kindergarten. I'm just a bunch of fractures... held together with glue. Cracks in my voice, my smile, the mirror... I am the colour blue. Easier said than done, my chance, my past, my life is out of range... Forever I have been a victim, stone cold I'm about to change. 1:45 A.M. 2-23-2012 ALANDA MCRAE

Homework 3

Reggae, developed in the 1960s, is most easily recognized by the rhythmic accents on the off-beat. The tempo of reggae is usually slower than the popular Jamaican forms such as ska. It is this slower tempo, the guitar and piano off-beatsand the use of melodic bass lines which differentiates reggae from other music. “Get Up, Stand Up” composed by Bob Marley, performed by Peter Tosh with Bob Marley, is nearly 6 minutes in length. Bongo drums, a guitar, and keyboards are used to off-set each other for syncopated beats which reggae is so well known for. The rhythm is simple, the harmony and melody simple to grasp. The dynamics aren’t loud, they are more of a support system for the two men’s voices. The song and music stirs you in a way which makes one want to join in with the performers. It was okay for what it was, but not my cup of tea. Zydeco is what resulted from when Cajun music blended with the blues to be sung in French for people to dance to. When one hears the accordion and bass, it’s difficult not to start to dancing – which is probably what the “black” musicians living in the Cajun country had in mind in the first place. “Tu Le Ton Son Ton”performed and composed by Clifton Chenier is approximately 3 and a half minutes long. As any piece of zydeco music is expected, there are accordions and an electric bass with a quick tempo with a fast (but steady) rhythm. The melody is noted quickly as is the harmony. The dynamics are loud and while the mood is that of dancers on the street corner, I can’t help but twinge when listening to this piece. I really just can’t stand the accordion and this music is no exception. Salsa is dance music “Afro-Cuban style” which became popular in the 1970s and stuck around for the long haul. Using brass instruments, the occasional saxophone, and maracas alongside drums the music is syncopated in a way which makes you move without ever noticing when you started in the first place. “La Vida es un Carnaval” performed by Celia Cruz and composed by Victor Daniel is nearly 5 minutes long. The rhythm of the drums is steady and the harmony is beautiful. The melody is fantastic and the trumpet is amazing against the tuba and the singers’ wonderful voices. The dynamics are loud but not unruly, the mood created is upbeat. I absolutely love this song, the music, and Celia Cruz! Tex-Mex is dance music which is Mexican-based from the border of Mexico and Texas. It uses a special accordion and a 12 string guitar most commonly along with drums and occasionally a saxophone. “Ay Te Dejo en San Antonio” isperformed and composed by Flaco Jiménez, who performed this with Toby Torres alongside him. At just under 3 minutes long, it is nice to focus on the rhythm. The drums, accordion, and guitar work well together and I’m not distracted at all by my inability to understand most of what he’s singing. The melody and harmony are sweet, the dynamics aren’t too loud or quiet, and the mood is similar to that of a lullaby. It makes me tired, but in a good way. Mariachi is traditional Mexican folk music which became urbanized entertainment music in the twentieth century. Using violins, a “folk harp,” small guitars, bass guitars, and trumpets, voices are (usually) not too often used. “Árboles de la Barranca” performed by Nati Cano’s Mariachi Los Camperos is just under 3 minutes long. Composed by Nati Cano, the trumpets and guitar work well together and play off the violin in a way I can only describe as lovely. The drums create a rhythmic balance for one to dance to if they aren’t being swayed by the catching melody and striking harmony. The dynamics of the music itself are soft, whereas the vocals are strong and certain. In terms of mood, it ends leaving you on a happy note. I am all smiles about it.

Homework 2

First off, I have nothing to say about the minstrel shows because every time I tried to watch one I just felt an overpowering sense of rage and had to fight the urge to break things. That is all there is to say about that. A little less than 3 and a half minutes long, Jeanie with the Light Brown Hair was composed by Stephen Foster and is considered now to be a Parlor Song... Performed by the Columbia Symphony Orchestra there is a heavy accent on the violins with very little notice of the piano and cellos in the back. No rhythm exists as there are no percussion instruments used. The harmony and melody are both sweet and compelling. Dynamically the song is quiet. The mood I'm left with is a calmness hard to acheive otherwise. I quite enjoyed it. Steven Schwartz composed the 6 minutes of music for Broadway's Defying Gravity from the musical Wicked. Performed by Kristin Chenoweth and Idina Menzel, the music lacks syncopation but has a dominating rhythm for the first half of the song before the trumpets and violins start to make a mark. The melody is fun, the harmony fantastic. You can't help but feel uplifted and want to sing loudly just to show you can. Only when the chorus comes into the back do you feel sad because you realize it's about to end. I absolutely adore this song. Jimmie Rodger's Waiting for a Train was composed and performed by himself. It lasts for approximately 3 minutes if you are able to find it in its completion. Lacking in a rhythm, there are no drums. The guitar is whiny – for lack of a better description – as he yodels along with it. The harmony is difficult to catch but the melody obvious. It's a sweet song which makes you sway mindlessly, totally at ease with your surroundings. I didn't enjoy it though because, whether it be his voice or the guitar seemingly out of tune, it made my skin crawl. Sometimes older isn't always better. Carrie Underwood & Mike Elizondo worked together to compose the music to the 4 minute song Carrie wrote called Cowboy Casanova. Contemporary Country is one of my favorite genres. The rhythm is steady and slow – making it a tad difficult to realize its sometimes-but-not-always tendacy towards syncopation. The guitar is like a dancer with its chords, the electric guitar creates a snake-like tone which helps emphasize her lyrics. The violin makes the listener want to dance and it's hard not to sing along with such a fast melody. The harmony is simple. It makes a person want to go out dancing and drinking, you feel happy and like having fun. This is by far my favorite song by her if only because it reminds me so heavily of Eric Northman from the books by Charlaine Harris... and, yes, HBO's True Blood. Composed by Holland-Dozier-Holland and performed by Diana Ross and the Supremes, Stop in the Name of Love is a Motown Hit. About 3 minutes long, the drum's rhythm is steady and easy to catch. The harmony is sweet and the melody is catchy. Diana has a unique voice which complements the piano and xylophone quite well. The deeper voices of the Supremes does wonders for Diana's high voice. The trumpet is almost unnoticed until you hear them say "Stop!" I love the feeling of sweet delight and adore this song. Rhythm & Blues song It's Raining is performed by well-known Irma Thomas and composed by Toussaint in the 1980's. The trumpets and keyboard go great with the bass guitar. The drums have this semi-syncopated rhythm which is easy to follow. The melody and harmony are amazingly simple to grasp. The electric guitar is almost not noticed except for a few solos occuring just before Irma puts power into her voice. Silky smooth like whisky or vanilla ice cream, this song makes you happy and sad. I love it. Sugar Hill Gang's Rapper's Delight is a Hip Hop song which they not only wrote but composed the music for. At 3 and a half minutes long, you definitely can feel the bass guitar and the drum working in syncronization. The lyrics are funny and the rhythm is easy to follow. The music is uplifting and all you want is to dance. I simply love this song and this group. Jerry Ragovoy and Bert Berns composed the hit song Piece of My Heart as performed by Janis Joplin. An amazing piece of 60's rock and roll, the electric guitars and bass guitar go well together with the drum and keyboard. The riffs on the electric are nothing short of pure genius. Janis is known for her unique and scratchy voice which so few people are able to even come close to imitating. The music makes you feel broken hearted and angsty, as though the emotion is grabbing you and shaking you to make a point. I love Janis and this song is flat out awesome... even if it is only a little longer than 4 minutes. There is no getting enough of Janis.


“Holy One” performed and composed by Tramaine Hawkins is just over 6 and a half minutes long. This gospel piece was soulful with a steady, heavy rhythm. The musical dynamics are pale in comparison to the vocal dynamics. Among drums and the piano you are unable to ignore the symbols’ crashing. In addition to her voice you can clearly make out a chorus in the background. The mood is spiritual and I don’t enjoy it. “In That Great Gettin’ Up Mornin’” by The Gaither Vocal Band was composed by Mathew Hodge. It lasts for approximately 2 and a half minutes. You can hear what sounds like ethnic drums and maracas and little else beyond their voices. It creates a spiritual dancing feeling, but it also feels – for lack of a better phrase – African by comparison to the usual Caucasian gospel. The rhythm is simple but I can’t spot the melody for the notes. They are certainly harmonized but I’ve never felt comfortable with gospel tunes. The dynamics are loud but not necessarily compelling. Thomas Chisolm composed the well-known hymn, “Great is Thy Faithfulness,” which is just under 5 minutes long. In the version I listened to they used an acoustic guitar and a harp alongside a violin. It was performed by Chris Rice and lacked rhythm. The harmony was simplistic and the melody was quick to catch onto. His was the only voice heard besides the sigh of the violin until 10 seconds to the end. The dynamics of the instruments are soft, as are the dynamics of his voice. It was compelling and a mellow mood is created. David Evans is the composer of “Be Thou My Vision,” a hymn well-known in Ireland. Celtic Woman’s performance of this hymn lasts just over 4 minutes. There are 2 violins, a flute, piano, and slight drums to back up their vocal amazement. The dynamics are sweet and quiet and flow together quite well with the harmony and melody. There are two-three voices used and they sound quite mystical. The mood created is that of a whimsical smile. Not surprising, I enjoyed it. “Today is the Day” is a praise chorus by Lincoln Brewster composed by him and Paul Baloche lasts approximately 4 and a half minutes. The electric guitar and the drums provide a stimulating attraction. The dynamics are evenly matched to one another and not so loud it hurts. He sounds genuinely happy – which is hard to find in any music these days. The rhythm is steady and the mood is uplifting. I enjoyed it… Ben Fielding & Reuben Morgan composed together “Mighty to Save” by Hillsong – which is nearly 7 minutes long. Hypnotizing melody with a simple harmony – it creates a mellow, smiley mood. The guitar is repetitive and the drums have an easy-to-follow rhythm. Dynamically, it is quiet music with a medium volume on the vocals. There are approximately 4 to 8 voices. There is one strong male lead with a blending of choral music in the back - predominantly female chorus. I’m not certain what it is about the music which makes me want to stab my eardrums – but that’s how I feel about it… I can’t find a nice thing to say about this song – it rubs me the wrong way. "Dream a Little Dream of Me" is a song with music composed by Fabian Andre and Wilbur Schwandtwith lyrics by Gus Kahn. Ella Fitzgerald’s performance of the song is a few seconds over 4 minutes in length. The rhythm is steady and the drums are set. The organ and trumpets are clear though it takes a trained ear to hear the cello being struck. The melody is enticing and the harmony clear. Her voice is like honey and whisky for the senses. The mood created is love-struck romanticism. Quite possibly this is my favorite song of hers. “Sing, Sing, Sing” by Benny Goodman is my favorite example of Big Band Jazz because it’s so closely related to swing… I don’t care what the book says, they aren’t the same genre. Between the trumpets, trombones, and the drums it’s impossible not to dance at least a little bit. It’s not easy to ignore the syncopation. The dynamics are loud; the rhythm is easy to find. When it comes to melody and harmony – now there’s the difficult part of this listening assignment. I mean, they even have a cowbell amongst their regime. I simply love this. Oh, and it was composed by Spud Murphy. Composed and performed by Duke Ellington, “It Don’t Mean a Thing” is a good-time piece of jazz. The violins, trumpets, saxophone, drums are all a great combination. Lasting 2 minutes and 45 seconds, dancing is a must. I love the way the piano draws you in. The rhythm is clear, the harmony simple, and the melody quick to spot. The effect that comes from using a muffler on the trombone is great. The dynamics aren’t too loud or too quiet – making them perfect. There’s only the one voice of Duke Ellington (unless you get the version where he’s singing with Teresa Brewer) and it’s a very distinguished sound. The mood is up, happy, movement required and I love it. Wouldn’t you figure that combo-jazz is mostly latin-based these days? “Sugar” performed and composed by Fran Conde lasts about 7 and a half minutes. The saxophone, electric guitar, and drums create a mellow, rhythmic mood. The melody is awesome and the harmony simple. The rhythm is consistent and the saxophonist really rips it up on the stage. Dynamically it’s loud but in a good way. You just feel the need to sway – it’s amazing.

Black Lipstick Love


4 - 9 - 2012

I'm not sure which is more annoying - a person's inability to read their email or their insane expectation for you to finish what they send you within 10 hours... Normally I wouldn't be put out by this, even though I don't have internet access, but when the power goes out in an entire quadrant of town - including the college - you can't help but feel fucked. On top of this insanity - I need to catch up on my Spanish studying, study for my math test which is tomorrow, and make my body quit hurting... All of this with a fever and never-ending anxiety attacks... I've considered several times just dropping out and becoming a stripper or a prostitute. But then I remember I hate people touching or looking at me and I'm back. Fuck this is all fucked up. Believe it or not, I started this with the intent of expressing my opinion on politics and sounding intelligent... I'm not sure how it managed to fall apart *before* even starting that point... Whatever. "Get Up, Stand Up." - Bob Marley... There's my political statement for the night. 4:07 P.M. ~Raindancer~