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Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Can I Be Your Neighbor???

So my "brilliant" aka "Stupid" plan blew up in my face.
Yes, I'm out of the shelter... that's about the only upside to any of this, though.
That, and I get to see Phoenix more often.

My so-called Aunt kicked me out after a matter of a few days without really explaining why. She and my so-called Mother have started talking shit behind my back.
Needless to say, I blocked my "Aunt" and defriended my "Mother."

I only re-added her because she requested it for whatever Fucked Up reason. The hypocritical wretch.

The second I get paid back what she owes me (300$) I will be just cutting her out of my life for a while. See if she even notices or cares.

My "Aunt" was supposed to do a tattoo for me, which I prepaid for... Never got it, and now I don't trust her to do it. So I need my 20$ back from her.

I believe the only people I really trust right now are in short supply.

My Aunt Sally and Uncle Ken were God-Sends the other night.
Hung out with Phoenix and her Wannabe Boyfriend last night.
Spent the night with Phoenix. Probably will again. Possibly.

Phoneix is watching all the videos from last night.
I wish to Goddess I had a chance of getting out of this rut, however I doubt I will for as long as I'm here in proximity of the Black Hole that is this town. (Hence the name of our group of friends - Black Hole Society)

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fpwncakesandrofls.tumblr.com%2F&h=uAQGKshx6

The above is a link to one of my sister's handful of blogs.

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fpwncakesandrofls.tumblr.com%2F&h=uAQGKshx6

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=386823154707927&set=a.374142622642647.85468.358878267502416&type=1

And here is the link to her main blog.

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fthefriendlessfeminist.tumblr.com%2F&h=2AQEmU31C

Anyways, if I don't stay with Phoenix tonight - keep in mind it isn't only up to her! - I'll probably crash at the park again. I did it before; I see no reason why I can't again... Just make sure I'm wearing jeans and a hoodie so I don't get bit or freeze.

I haven't heard about any of the jobs I've applied for. Not that I'm really expecting to as I have so little experience and this town is so damn small... Everyone talks. It's ridiculous.

I miss my sister. And my brother.

Still, it's nice knowing I have people I can rely on. (I won't name names because half of them don't read this and the other half do...)

Still can't believe they denied me food stamps even though I'm homeless... This society is completely fucked up.

My Love to All My Readers.

Monday, June 11, 2012

pictures to lift the mood.

A Nightmare of Revelations & a really bad day.

Underground tunnels like you wouldn't believe... Dark, wet, cold, and creepy. I was wandering through them, lost... There were all these doors (suddenly I'm reminded of Monsters Inc) and I opened one at random. I found myself in a... quaint?... little house - stuck in a dead end job hating myself... I couldn't open the door or windows and I was panicking until I broke the windows and shredded the screen. I was getting out of the house and about to run up the hills (like I said - weird dream) into the sunshine when I woke up this morning (courtesy of Shelby.) I know it's weird having underground tunnels with house doors and being able to see hills when I'm still underground, but I understood it when I woke up. Moreover, I remember it ALL! in explicit detail! Then I saw the back of my notebook, covered in notes from my Philosophy class. Sophists control what society knows and/or believes. Caves represent ignorance. Sun represents knowledge.... This is based on a drawing he used to explain the concept to us.... It's a bit Ironic don't you think? ----- P/s. I missed my open interview this morning and got seriously bitched out about it and then got denied Food Stamps even though I'm homeless - all because I'm a full time student (who is about to LOSE said status once they find out I'm homeless) so fuck them all.

Random Really Good Quotes

"As if you could kill time without injuring eternity." - Henry David Thoreau "There are two tragedies in life: one is to lose your heart's desire, the other is to gain it." - George Bernard Shaw "The world is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel." - Horace Walpole "Write on my gravestone: 'Infidel, Traitor.' - infidel to every church that compromises with wrong, traitor to every government that oppresses the people." - Wendell Phillips "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough." - Frank Crane "Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it." - Mark Twain "The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple." - Oscar Wilde "Better an ugly face than an ugly mind." - James Ellis "There is a great difference between knowing and understanding: you can know a lot about something and not really understand it." - Charles F. Kettering "Truth will out." - English Proverb "Bad karma's a bitch." - Ida Maria "It is never safe to look into the future with eyes of fear." - Edward H. Harriman ------------------------ You see things and say "Why?"; but I dream things that never were and I say "Why not?" - George Bernard Shaw ------------------------- "One great use of words is to hide our thoughts." - Voltaire

June 3rd, 2012

7:24 P.M. I hate this place. I really hate that it's starting to feel comfortable. I'm starting to like people here. And that never bodes well for anything. I don't know how I'm expecting to do anything when the obstacles keep multiplying. It's obscene, all of it... I really do like my new roommate. *S* is great. She is so interesting and an opinion on everything. It's like someone took Mary, Glenna, Nitia, and Sarah L and threw them in a blender. She doesn't have a baby or anything like most kids in our age range, so that's a comfort. Girl kicks ass, to be honest. At 8 I get to start on my chore... I'm not looking forward to it if only because I was so stupid earlier. I decided to go out for a run: without warm ups no stretching 8 years since I last seriously ran for the hell of it. with asthma, bad legs... It was foolish to say the least. I remembered too late another reason why I don't run/jog. The bones in the tops of your feet? They always hurt when I finish... For about 2 days they'll be feeling as though broken with every step. I also started wearing make-up again for whatever mental reason. And there's this really cute guy who works at the Kitchen - really Cute. He's super tall which is probably what caught my notice. But he's also in shape - also a great thing. And so forth... I haven't heard back about my applications and my resume is completely depressing. Mandy turns 21 in a mere 2 days to boot. So odd not being there for her... I still need to email her the video I made for her... Not sure how much she'll feel like dancing and whatnot, though. As much drama happening here - there's some happening with her California family as well. So sad... We're putting off the Memorial Service for G.W. until we know Mandy is coming down. Mom refuses to do it without her and I completely understand that. I'm listening to some music that's about 4 years old if not moreso in some cases. Guess I'm just feeling nostalgic today. Wish I could get out of here. This 8P.M. curfew bit is majorly mental. I mean, GOD! I am the type to go out walking around 8 or 9 and not get back til 4 or 5 A.M. So this is beyond frustrating. Sleeping at 11 and waking at 7 or 8 is just mentally ill. I can't stand much more of this... Damn Regret. Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Yeah - I'm definitely nostalgic... Alongside some Simple Plan and Poets of the Fall... I miss... I don't even know... I just know I can't stand it here. 7:47 P.M. ~Raindancer~

June 8th, 2012 part two

5:38 P.M. Bitches. Mom and Lil' Man were kicked out of the shelter a friggen week early because they're stupid. They clearly can't count and thus should have nothing to do with people. Grr! "Aggressive" what fucking moron would ever describe my brother this way? Christ. THANKFULLY, they will be spending the next few days with Pam's Mom (Mary) until they can figure stuff out... THANK GOD! On top of that, I have a sunburn - a bad one. ugh. I have a hundred things to fit into one weekend. I need to find proper Interview attire which wouldn't suck so much if I had proper freaking shoes! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! One more word about Charitable Union and someone will be slapped. I've been to CU before and they Never Have My Size in shoes... Ever. Plus, next friday (15th) is my Exit Date so I'm really screwed. I am backed into a corner like you wouldn't believe. I hate this shit. My life is so not my own - clearly. ~Raindancer~ 5:42 P.M.

June 8th, 2012 part one

12:57 A.M. I had a revelation. I've been trying for nearly 3 hours to go to sleep, so naturally my mind is everywhere. Only 3 things in life have ever made me genuinely happy... and not necessarily in the following order: 1. My Friends 2. My Pets (LaCretia = Dog - currently) 3. My Music... Everything else is just pointless glitter and dust added for effect. I have been trying so hard to be the Good Student, Miss Level Headed... Which is just stupid because I was NEVER meant to be the 9-5 type in life! Comparing the results of hard work to my Three Things is like the following: comparing the dirt to sunshine. comparing trees to the moon. comparing a shower to lemonade. Touching and Feeling aren't the same thing. Even if one is used to define the other, it isn't necessarily vice versa. If I wasn't so hard-headed I would do the smart thing and drop out of college... I'd pick up and go someplace in search of my music - dragging a few friends with me. ;) But of course I'm stubborn as Hell and lacking in self-confidence... one of those Knowing versus Believing issues - as usual... I know I'm beautiful and talented, but I have a difficult time buying into the concept. I'm listening to BROKEN FRAMES by Eyes Set to Kill... somehow I fear I'll end up viewing my life in a similar concept. Left with nothing but memories roaring through my veins - pounding to get out of my skin... I had this dream during my afternoon nap... TALK DIRTY TO ME by Poison, MAKE A MOVE by Icon for Hire, BRIDGES by Courage My Love, BITCH by Meredith Brooks, DIRTY DENIM and 5 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING by The Donnas were featured in it... Guess that tells you how long this dream was... technically I've been having it for several days now - ever since I was signed out of the E.R. Sarah (aka Frank/Henry/Loki) was a drummer... Jessica (BAM!) was Bass. Mary (F) was Electric and Back Up Vocals. Nitia was the same. and of course I was Lead Singer jumping around like I was High - which is normal when I'm singing. plus there were our usual groupies. :D They consisted of my Aussie Man who flew in, Miss Tasha Ramone who flew in (with several friends for whatever reason,) Glenna who drove down, Ridge, Ross, Robert, Monica, Danielle, Airikah, Nyccie, Shelby, Jessie (Warren,) Stelly, Monique, Kara, AMANDA (all 3 of them,) Mark, Justin (Eakens,) Staci, Eric, Donnie, and a bunch of others who I barely know at all. Needless to say, Eve of Destruction had gotten its act together in my dream and we were doing great locally. With both cover songs AND our original works. *Sigh* Now if only it weren't so unrealistic. I mean, I know if EoD worked hard it would get there - so that isn't unrealistic. The part where 2 chicks from coldwater, 1 from UC, 1 in Bug town, and the other from Battle Creek getting together often enough to MAKE it work - that's improbable. Besides, we all agree and disagree on music like crazy. it'd be totally warped. LOL. as it is - the actual "members" of EoD are as follows: Nitia - vocals Alanda - Vocals Amanda - Model (shut up, I'll call it a membership if I want) Monica - vocals So yeah, it's all fucked up. Pardon my French. Nyccie is also a model on one of the Album Covers... So much for all this. I wish I had the nerve but... I can be bitchy-in your face-honest-take no prisoners, but confidence is key... Clearly mine is locked. :/ Even the trains outside remind me of music - granted they remind me of Jazz, but still. Music is Music. I apologize for all this absent-minded rambling. oh. inspired! if anyone is reading this - comment on the following (if you want to comment on the rest, go ahead, but i Need to Know on this next part) does ORACLE sound like an Album you would grab based on the title?! like i said, inspired. i mean, there are still the other 3 1/2 albums if you'd rather talk about those. yes, regardless of my pessimistic attitude, we have made several albums. they are known as the following: Burn Niet Not Just A Pretty Face Soul of Sorrow Pathetically So Pathetic* After finishing PSP* we will be working on our album, I Saw God(dess) in Concert! Following that, we'll be working on {I'm}Perfection... So it isn't that I desperately need another Album Title, so much as having them helps inspire my lyrical genius. Granted, I also have a number of songs I've been working on or in need of work... I just know sometimes what is missing from it all... Said the girl listening to All Signs Point to Lauderdale at the time. :P I Almost Told You That I Loved You... is now playing instead. Does this point to my mood in anyway? Probably not. The Downfall Of Us All... finally, I love this song! Alright, later today (after I get some SLEEP) I'll be working with Pam on her Yard Sale. I plan to be able to throw that into my work experience somehow on my Applications... Cross your fingers for me. After that I get to meet my NEW case manager. At some point I need to stop by the Library. And apply online for stuff. And call Employment Group to set up an actual interview rather than hope for the Open Interviews. Also need to stop by Bobby's for my mail and then the bank to change my address... need to finish filling out my DHS forms and my Hot Topic Application. and actually type up my Resume (which I know needs the accent on it but Notepad sucks). and go to the mall to hand IN my applications and resumes... talk to jamie about michiganworks because i still haven't done that. drama sucks. do michigan works and DHS caseworker stuff. figure out Sprummer activity issues for July. call student employment. look up student housing though there is next-to-zero in B.C. eventually my cell may get turned back on... but not soon enough. as it is, I am desperately in need of a Girl Chat with Nitia. and my Meimei. though both of them have enough of their own issues without adding mine to the mix. thank goddess for Shelby. I wonder if she even knows how much she's helped me out lately? *sigh* I hope everything goes okay for her today. and I really hope I have a plan by the 15th, because that's my Exit Date... and I still have: No Job No Money No Place No Clue... Wish to goddess I could stop panicking. I swear, if I could just have Nitia and Mandy here with me along with a Karaoke night or something similar... I'd feel so much better. I went to Bible Study on wednesday because I needed out of here so badly. And I realized I wasn't singing with them. I was so quiet it was whacked... I couldn't even sing in the car... certainly not like I used to. I think I may actually be dying inside, even now. "I would die for you, my love. I would lie for you, my love. I would steal for you, my love. I would die for you, my love. My love we'll burn up in the light... Every time I look inside your eyes, you make me wanna die." Make Me Wanna Die by The Pretty Reckless... ======================================= I need to be up in 5 hours, but it isn't going to happen. I may as well stay up instead... "No good ever came from simply wishin'... Break free from your chains," she said... ======================================= above is the first stanza of ORACLE... let me know what you all think. :) ~Raindancer~ 1:53 A.M.

May 25th, 2012

5/25/2012 11:39 P.M. Okay, I'm having a moment here. A lousy one. I woke up this morning and heard voices... unfamiliar, disembodied ones when no one was around... And the walls are NOT that thin. I double checked and nobody was in the hall, either. It totally freaked me out. It's a rare occurrence (sp?) when this happens to me. But it always creeps me out. I definitely cannot figure it out. I'm not schizophrenic - so kiss my ass if that's your retort. Thankfully, I have my music. And I did some chores to keep busy today. I also took a long (2 hours) nap in the afternoon. K says I'm having sympathy fatigue for her. (She's due any day.) I suppose it's possible she's right, though I usually have the cravings not the fatigue. It could also be stressed but I'm not feeling stressed. Maybe it's subconscious. I don't know anymore. I know I have a lot to worry about, but I feel like I'm on top of (or maybe at the same level, at least) it all. "Wouldn't you like to come with me? ... make a little love in the moonlight... dance on the milkyway." -Stargirl by McFly- further proof my music is a tad outdated and I'm a dork. "Ever since puberty everbody stares at me. boys girls i can't help it baby..." -Take Me Baby / RENT - I just had a long conversation with K about my stepfather... Oh joy. Anyways. I'm so tired. I have a birthday party to walk to Tomorrow. She's going to be 15. So weird. I can't even remember celebrating my 15th. My 14th, that I remember... My 16th I remember spending in I.S.S... My 17th, I had a small party. My 18th, had a bigger party. 19th I had more of a meeting with my friends, LOL. 20th, people came with gifts for like 20 minutes each and then left. :P 21st, 22nd, and 23rd I spent in Class taking Finals... Though to be fair, I did get my birthday drink for my 22nd eventually... just took a few days. I enjoyed the party I had later that week, too. Lots of psycho fun even if like 7 people showed up intermittently. I have a new favorite author - which hasn't happened in years. Sabrina Jeffries. I'm going to quit typing for a while so K can get some sleep. My Love, Raindancer 5/26/2012 --- 12:02 A.M.

May 6th, 2012

2:58 A.M. If I was smart I'd be sleeping now. Or packing more of my things. As it is, I can't do either. I'm going over the video I made for my sister's birthday... I miss her like crazy. I feel like I'm disappearing... I wish I could change this feeling, but I can't... I keep trying to believe things will get better - but how can I? Everything seems to be saying the opposite... The world is falling down around me and I don't know how much longer I can keep this up... Still, I'm trying... I always try... don't ask why... I wouldn't have the answer. Guess I'm just a fool this way. -------Raindancer-------- 3:02 A.M.