Thursday, December 22, 2011

Today *is* the Definition of Rapid Cycling

---1:18 A.M.
I yearn for the days when I could sink into oblivion.
To be alone for a while in my dark room would be a comfort.
I used to be able to write about anything for hours on end that way.
Now I can't remember how I was able to be so brilliant.
It's as though I've faded into this shadow of who I used to be.
I feel I'm spiraling towards a head-on collision.
There are people around everywhere, yet they don't see me.
The crash will happen and go unnoticed.
What few readers I have, if there is even more than one in the first place,
are probably wondering how I can be so public with these thoughts.
Is it really public if the writing is in invisible ink?
---1:25 A.M.

---5:50 A.M.
I've decided I'm in love with Prozac Nation... I still haven't read the book, but the movie was fantastic.
Thus, I want to read the book. A lot. I tried to write again, like I used to.
I wound up staring at a blinking line - what is that even called? - where the stupid story is supposed to begin.
So I created several videos and caught up on slicing the videos from JULY that had been waiting for my attention.
I should be posting those today, at least. Not until after I've checked my grades.
It just seems smarter that way. I found a vid from the play - The Skin of Our Teeth - that I found amusing.
So that's going to be posted on youtube as well. :)
I'll no doubt be posting several links on Facebook just so that they're out there for everyone.
I'm exhausted but I'm only just now getting sleepy.
If I fall asleep then I'll never wake up in time to leave for the bus. Ugh.
Hell, in theory I could leave now, but I'm unsure of when the library opens.
I tried distracting myself by dying my hair but... I've finished and everything but I'm still dozing.
Aunt Carole is supposed to be visiting tomorrow so that'll be fun.
Mom's birthday is next Friday. She's upset she has no way/$$ to go to the Pioneer in Union City.
I mean, her birthday finally lands on a Friday and she can't go out for Karaoke and alcohol?
*sigh* I feel bad for her. I have a dollar to my name right now & it's going towards bus fare.
I owe 13$ in overdue fees to the library. College made life busy so it was difficult to remember everything all the time.
I hope Liz did okay on the exam. It really wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be.
Hell, I loved the class so much that el profe made the list of people I've decided to dedicate my books to.
Yeah, I know, warped. In my opinion, it's a high honor, damn it! *smileyface*
Gah. I'm going turbo warped in my mind right now.
Is it so hard to have people visit every once in a while?!
If not for me, then for mom? Because all this insanity is liable to drive me to Death by Spontaneous Combustion.
Love you all!
---6:03 A.M.

---12:57 P.M.
fell asleep around 6:30 and woke up at 11:30.
I'm getting all my shit together to go up and post all of this, but I'm not sure why.
anyways, bro opened some of his presents today because it's Solstice.
Wouldn't you figure I already broke one of them? *sigh* mom says she can fix it at least...
---12:59 P.M.

---3:13 P.M.
I love my mom but sometimes I think she should be in an institution.
She's all over the place emotionally today and yet it's awful if I snap in frustration. I get it - I took my meds and she hadn't - but that isn't an excuse for her to treat me like I'm something less than human. *sigh*
But she just doesn't get it and that's fine. It's always fine. Everything will be fine. On the upside, she has taken her meds now that she got them refilled. And we saw Robert & Monica today. We'll probably swing by their place on the way home, too.
Another upside, I got 2 As, 1 A-, and 1 B for this semester. Who could argue with that?
---3:16 P.M.

12 - 20 - 2011

9:45 P.M.
Yesterday was the last day of this semester. I don't know how I'll stand another semester, but I will.
I finished my Spanish Final in time to see my brother's Choir Concert. He was adorable.
I spent today with my grandmother and my uncle in addition to mom and dad.
We had lunch, went grocery shopping, had mini-adventures... Etcetera.
I wore a dress today, if that can be believed.
I'm trying to keep my Spanish skills in tact - what few there are - but it's difficult when there's no one to practice with.
I love my mom, but she's out of practice.
I wonder if it will be easier or not when bro starts his Spanish classes next semester?
Probably not... Mom's going to be 49 in 10 days. I've set aside the last day on my cell phone for it so everyone can call her.
Aren't I sweet? The correct answer is, "HELL YES!" in case you were wondering.
I'm going to watch Beauty & the Beast (the 80s tv show) so I'll be back later.

9:51 P.M.

Friday, December 2, 2011

What the WHOA?! (today)

So I did the Personality Assessment for mom. Still have to do the write up. I also need to do a Rorschach and T.A.T. and their write ups, plus I need to come up with a "history" for the Intake Evaluation we'll be doing in class... and that's all for one class. plus I have a 10 page essay to write on Bipolar Disorder and a 10 page essay which is due on tuesday over my geneology and whatnot. plus a page on this one thing. and i need to review my spanish knowledge and work on MSLs so that i don't fail spanish. i mean. hello... how is YOUR december going?

11 21 2011

This weekend was definitely not a productive one.
I am going to get my second hamburger...
Then I'm going to figure out what questions to ask Mom and then do the assignment.
1 out of 4 isn't too bad I suppose... Yeah, right...

8:20 P.M.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Present Day

So, as you will no doubt notice there are a ton of new entries today. I am at the library which is why I was able to do more than just leave them in the Drafts portion of my Dashboard. I have fallen in love with MoonStruck... and am incredibly far behind on my homework. I'd say more but I'm in a hurry...

3:38 P.M.

Today... aren't you thrilled!

12:20 A.M.
I'm listening to music. Yesterday was Thanksgiving. It was alright I guess.
Mom did a great job on the turkey, graving, and the chocolate cake... <3
I still haven't made a dent in my homework. I'm almost entirely broke.
Mandy was busy with Jack's family... which is fine... I guess.
I don't know what's wrong with me lately, but it really has me worried.
I'm sure I'll be fine, though. I always am. I mean, I am never *not* okay.
I rock that way. I'm the type of person who, regardless of the amount of
bitching she does about the pain she's in, will not go to the hospital.
I could have blood coming out of my ears, but unless I was in the presence of
someone like, say for instance, my *MOM*, I would still insist I'm fine.
I don't bother telling *her* I'm okay because she is just as stubborn as I am...
At some point, assuming there is ever an interlude between my homework, classes, finals, and Hell,
I am going to apply for SSI. I figure I will probably get something what with my being BiPolar and all...
As much as the meds cost and the doctor's visits to be able to keep taking them, I damn well deserve a little
help on all of that... of course, I could go off of them again... people always seem to love me when I do that.
NOT! I am impossible off my pills. Even I know that. Combine it with when Mom is off her meds...
that was a disaster of epic proportions.
I'm in love... but it's doomed. And I'll never tell him. Trust me when I say that it's a good thing I keep it to myself.
Trust me. I'd explain, but some things are better left untold. Anyways... I'm sure it's probably just a BP Crush and it'll wear itself out eventually...
I hope...
See you on the flip side!

12:28 A.M.


Keep trying to find the words
to get these feelings off my chest
but my whispered screams go unheard
as I pound my fists then fade to rest...

Head is dizzy, spinning as I fall...
Douse these feelings with gasoline,
light the match and still feel small.
My true face is not yet seen.

Worry worry worry as I get
lost in my own head-space.
No one really, really, really frets
when I disappear... no trace.

Pieces falling in and out
no place to call theirs.
Shying away as they freak out...
they only pretend to care.

my fears, my place, my mind...
hidden in the recesses of my soul.
the world is altogether unkind;
tis nothing but a big black hole.

understanding is a myth,
love - nothing but an ideal.
grab some pills, down a fifth -
for this is the Fate of My Life to seal...

Fading into darkness where now there is but one...
One voice. Your voice. You are calling from the shadows.
You talk of worlds, moons, and suns...
and of secrets only you will ever know.

Talk of sunshine and secrets whispered shall not save me.
The pills were many and the vodka high in proofs.
Yet, to my surprise, I learned something revealing...
For it was not the Dark of Death which set me free, no.
For this night as I lay dying on the roof, watching the stars blink out of existence,
it was your talk of sunshine and moonbeams which sent me reeling...

Your attempts to make a Deal with Death
make me grateful to have known you.
Still you try to save me, on behalf
of my pitiful soul. Still I'll smile...
What else is there to do?

The world makes no sense and I'm at peace with that,
for I will soon be at peace with my world.
No longer will there be a past or future tense to reminisce about.
I watch the stars blink out, losing sight of your eyes as well...
I am afraid of losing you more than I am my mortal soul to Hell.
The wind is dying down to silence; have I lost my ears?
The whisper of your voice, your sobbing, quiets til there is nothing left to hear...
You are gone away from me; I am here all alone...
My biggest fear brought on by darkness, I shall never make it home.
Thank you pills and proofs and weakness... I am now enveloped...
What I thought to be more truly was nothing more than less...
Yeah, I said...
Thank you pills and proofs and weakness... I am now enveloped by the darkness...
What I thought to be more truly was nothing more than less...
~Alanda McRae~

Monday, November 21, 2011

11-20-2011 (Skins)

I've changed my opinion about the show. I've decided I do, in fact, enjoy it. I quite like it.
Except for one thing... Season/Series/Volume (whatever!) #1... The season finale was...
I feel gipped. Yeah. I'm happy about Cassie & Sid. I'm glad Effie was okay.
Glad Anwar & Maxxie got everything all fixed... but... I'm not thrilled about the Big Dramatic Ending they went with.
I won't say *what* that is, just in case there's a reader who hasn't yet seen Skins.... However, I will say I'm annoyed.
Mainly because Season 2 is at the library. Not in my room within reach. Though, in retrospect, that's probably a good thing.
Otherwise, I'd never do my homework. '___'

3:07 A.M.


It's only 1:30 in the morning but it is technically Saturday. Oh fun.
I'll skip the moaning and groaning and go straight to the fun stuff.
MOONSTRUCK is now on my top 20 list of movies...
(I'd name them all but since they're in no particular order, who cares?)
I was dying from laughing within the first 10 minutes...
but what really clinched it was when Nick Cage did his monologue about how love "isn't there to make things easy"
- or something to that effect. It was like, "If I didn't already find NC sexy, I would now!"
Nicholas Cage is the only man who comes to mind when I'm asked about hairy versus non-hairy chests...
In *most* cases I would prefer Non-Hairy and I'd never have to think about it...
However, as is usually the case, I do have an exception to this preference.
Hairy chests are usually a turn-off, but somehow Cage still looks sinfully delicious with one.
Cage is one of the few guys who can rock both looks.
Besides, he got to makeout with CHER! You know I'm jealous...
I mean, Cher is a Goddess and Cage is a Sexy Beast...
I don't know how I made it through the entire movie without squeeling... Oh... Right... Didn't...
Started watching SKINS yesterday. As in the First Season. Yeah. I just grabbed all 3 DVDs from the library...
Granted, I'm only 4 episodes in and I'm still not interested. It seems alright, I just don't particularly feel drawn to it.
If anything I find myself wanting to take the characters into a dark secluded room to beat some sense into them...
and I'm not an incredibly violent person. Hell, I'm in several Peace Groups. Oy...
I'll admit I find Sid to be attractive - thus proving my geek preference to blonde "popular" types...
However, the only thing I find interesting is waiting for the teacher to hook up with Chris and have hot-horny-omg-sex...
This is assuming they ever do. I'm not one to read spoilers. Guess I'm weird that way.
Yay for moaning and groaning now... I have 80 bajillion assignments to do this weekend... I'll die somewhere along the way, I'm sure.
I have 3 interviews & write ups to do for Ab Psych... A "history" to write on my "assigned personality" for our "therapy sessions" in Ab Psych. (Long Story)
Plus I need to gather all the data from the past 5 days for my Behavioral Change Plan and find a computer program to make a line-graph of it all for class... Due Monday. Ugh.
And yes, that's all for the SAME CLASS.
I wrote the composition and did the worksheet but I still have the 6 (?) or so assignments in my workbook for Spanish.
Not to mention how I need to work on my Presentation and my ungodly long Essay (fuck you it's a freaking novel!) for Developmental Psych.
I only feel comfortable with Anthropology and that's because we take notes and study for the like 4 tests... I could take on extra-credit to make up for my absences...
except I'd never be able to finish that on top of everything else by all their deadlines.
Oh, and I also have to do my ATP stuff (it's a volunteer service learning thing which is necessary to pass AbPsych) on Monday mornings...
I need 20 hours and by my math i'll be lucking if I end up with 18 because I was sick 3 weeks in a row. Ugh. Plus, I need to write journals on my ATP stuff for credit in AbPsych...
I'm 2 behind already. Ugh.
I think my head may very well explode.
It certainly feels wonko right now... Caffeine, late hours, no sleep, active mind... not really all to surprising I guess.

1:43 A.M.


I thought about writing so many blogs in the past month.
I thought about screaming at my mom for being, well, herself.
I thought about ranting about everyone on the homestead.
I thought about my hideous classes & rotten homework.
I thought about myself, my friends... you name it.

In the end, it really doesn't matter what I write about because no one really ever listens.
I mean, there's actually a state in the U.S. that legalized domestic violence. WTF?!
Then there's everything which is wrong with Michigan.
I think I'll just sit back & mess around on Sims Social via Facebook because the rest of the world clearly doesn't give a damn.
Oh well... Ain't that just a pity?

9:17 A.M.


it's a little after 1:00 AM.
the play starts day after tomorrow.
still not sure how i'll get there during the weekend.
my fingers are freezing and i have a midterm this week.
still haven't finished all my homework.
wish me luck.
i totally need it.

1:20 A.M.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011


I just finished the Write Up for my Abnormal Psych class.
Here's hoping that nothing I ever write gets shown to my mother.
She's the person I'm interviewing for my Behavioral Project.
I love her dearly but let's face it - she's got issues.
Anyways, professionally we wouldn't be allowed to do interview friends or relatives.
However, this is just a class so we get away with it.
Thankfully. Because she's the only person I have steady access to who's willing to let me bug them this way.
She's in one of her DBF's, so if any of my readers know her... Go send her some love on her facebook page or something.
I could study for my Anthropology test I have on Tuesday. Or start early on my Critical Thinking paper for D-psych.
But something tells me my mind won't focus on it.
I have a song in my head so I'm hoping that by listening to Glee's version of I Dreamed a Dream will eventually wash it out of my head.
I love this song. Sad to say, it just connects with me.
I hope all my friends and family and inbetweens are doing well.
I promise to write or something eventually.
Or in Glenna's & Amanda's cases, I promise to get stamps!
Here's hoping I still have enough $$ left over after car & glasses etc to be able to get my Passport.
Otherwise I may as well forget the Peru trip that KCC is doing.
I may get to do it if everything else goes well.
I have to go,
10:48 P.M.


Listening to music. Just got done editing my MP3 player.
I have several pictures on there, too. Mostly of my sister.
A few of Nitia, my brother, mom, and Erika...
I had some of other awesome people, but the pix were too dark to make out on my tiny screen.
:( This was a sad revelation. I wrote a poem yesterday.
I'd say more but I do have class at some point today and as such am going to bed.
-12:19 A.M.

Okay. It's a more reasonable hour. I skipped rehearsal tonight. (It doesn't actually start for another 40 minutes, but still.)
Robert will be mad, but I'd like to point out that I basically sit there ALL NIGHT waiting for my cue to hand up a mimed chair.
We still haven't gotten a lot of props yet. That's all I do in the first act, though.
I'm not complaining. I simply see no point in being there tonight when I could get a bus home and not feel like hell.
Besides, Karma seemed to not like this anyway. After all, I wound up sitting next to The Stalker for an hour on the bus.
And if anyone's ever been on a city bus, they'll know the seats are practically on top of each other.
I know it was accidentally (most of the time,) but if he touched my thigh one more time I was going to hit him.
Plus, I walked home in the damn rain. Ugh. I feel sicker than I did this morning, which really sucks.
And all I can think about is how badly I want to call Nitia. :(

-5:17 P.M.


9 26 2011

Carrie Fisher is freakin' SEXY!
Even now... I don't give a damn if she isn't a size 2 anymore (or whatever her size really was) because she rocks!
She's older. That's what time DOES to people! I can't believe people have so much difficulty with this concept.
She kicks ass. End of freakin' story. Get over it.



I was watching Labyrinth for the first time in a while...
All I could think was how much I used to LOVE the owl in the opening credits.
Now all I can think is, "It was good for the 80's but now..."
Don't get me wrong, I would NEVER remake Labyrinth! Ever!
And if I did, I'd hate having a perfect CG owl in the opening credits.
The upside to the CG not being so perfect is that it lends more credence to the Fantasy feeling.
I want the freaking soundtrack to this movie. I *love* Labyrinth... but David Bowie's music definitely is a plus...
Sadly, I relate to the character of Sarah... I'm sure it's something I'll get over.


I have to get some sleep tonight, even if I didn't finish my homework.
I need to be up by 7 and gone by 7:30 A.M.
I am scheduled for ATP work at 10 this morning. So naturally my sleep will be a tad messed up.
With luck I'll be able to make time to type up (DIRECTLY) my presentation for Schizophrenia.
I'm not holding my breath. I'm just crossing my fingers.
As it is, I've done the research; I simply haven't typed up my presentation.
I'm terrified, plus I have a cold. Ugh.
Wish me luck. I need it.
12:04 A.M.


I had one helluva day. ATP was disconcerting. I mean, in itself it was great.
In relation to me, I'm nervous. I start Monday morning. I'm hoping for the nursing option.
Anyways, lunch was awesome! I ate 2 barbecue chicken sandwiches, salad, yogurt, milk.
It was great. I also had a donut but that is besides the point.
I even did a little bit of Spanish homework... a little.
Love you guys.
7:34 P.M.


getting ready to leave for the bus.
thank heavens for caffeine!
i have an assignment due today so i get to work my ass off on that one.
oh the joy is killing me.
wish me luck!
-Raindancer (7:59 P.M.)


Alright. This is just a thought...but Sarah Michelle Gellar should totally guest-star on Castle!
My original idea is that she's related to Beckett somehow, but that probably wouldn't work.
They look nothing alike. However, Ryan should have a cousin or something. Totally.
SMG's character would be a Druggie in Rehab... totally. I mean, I know that isn't a nice role or anything,
but I totally think she could pull it off. Besides, it would be easier to fit into a storyline than, say, a teacher
or a waitress... don't you think?
I had an entire story behind this, but then I started changing the base-elements and it totally made my memory go "bye."
(Sorry I keep saying "totally" all the time!)
I'll try to get back to this with more detail later!

-Raindancer (Alanda McRae)

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

cheer up emokid


yep yep



just me again

isn't she hilarious? my mom, that is.



got a msg from mom but haven't heard back... so... yeah. idk if i wanna go 2 class or not...

for aunt sally


i am in a very lousy mood. i missed my bus and thus have missed my first abnormal psych class! i have no way to get ahold of the instructor so i get to just wait until next monday. totally a mess. i hate it. here are a few pix of meh.

The Edge

8 29 2011

I'm listening to Terminal Boredom... I love this song.
Anyways. I feel on edge. Mom & I have been having Wonko Dreams.
I blame the New Moon that's tonight. But what do *I* know?
Anyways, mom is disturbed by hers...
Mine are just ODD.
The ones I remember.
I can't wait til Thursday... but I can at the same time, you know?
Anyways... Hasta luego!

9 01 2011

just got through watching season 6 of BtVS... finally!
I love Giles & Xander for sure...
anyways. it's a little after midnight so i need to catch a few Zees before school starts in the morning.
love you all...
Hasta luego!

9 07 2011

i hope to someday get to the public library so i can POST these entries... i am so sorry that it is taking me so much time to do so.
of course, considering i spend 4 days a week on the bus in the mornings... just so i can spend more time at the college. ugh.
i wish i could say my classes were enjoyable... i love anthropology so far. but i don't remember anything we've talked about.
which is not a good sign. i know my focus is shot. and i know why.
as soon as i get back on my BP meds school should be easier for me.
i just hope everything goes well friday. that's when i'm supposed to see the people for the stuff.
i know, my mind is just so helpful with the vocabulary i'm searching for on this subject.
lolz. i've gone so far as to make a WakeUp mix on my computer...
it gets me awake but as far as attention.... not so much.
Just Dance by Lady Gaga is on at the moment. Hopefully, it will wake me up from this droning.
my back is killing me already... stupid backpack is atrociously heavy. i wish i had the time/$/transport to see the chiropractor.
oh well... i have 45 minutes left before I leave for the bus stop. oy.
i need to put my shoes on before my feet fall off from the cold. i'm such a wimp when it gets under 65*F...
pathetic. oh well. love you all.
have a great week!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

a pic or 2

i thought i'd let you all remember the insane whiner== er, writer, of said blog.

Monday, August 29, 2011


Alright, i have a ton of pix i wanted to post in my blogs but unfortunately after ONE picture my blog is not letting me add more... sorry for the inconvenience but more will come eventually.!.


For your entertainment.

yesterday part 2... is actually today in both cases. whoops!

alright. i'm up. i'm considering doing my hair today.
after all, i did dye it last night.
not sure what i'm going to wear today.
i didn't plan on going to the library until tomorrow, but mom has an appointment tomorrow...
so today's the day. oh the joy. you can tell i'm thrilled.
i just hope i get everything done. or at least more than usual.
i've been slacking lately because i got hooked on Sim's Social on facebook...
i blame my sister. LOL. but it's okay. now if i get about 6 videos uploaded to youtube today, i'll be thrilled.
nevermind the amount i have WAITING to be posted.
when i'm bored, i make videos... it's a vice.
i have a cold. you can tell i'm thrilled with that.
it sucks. mucus is disgusting. oy. i just hope it goes away before my classes start thursday.
sorry i'm not properly capitalizing everything... i'm just tired.
love you all...

yesterday part 1

First off - I finally finished watching Pretty in Pink with my mom... We both have decided we're in love with Duckie.
I had to tell her about 8 times that his character IS, in fact, straight. I agree it's hard to believe because he's a DECENT HUMAN BEING!
That's a *rare* thing in itself. Anyways, we've decided that they need to make a sequel...
Where Stef is both the CAFETERIA COOK and the JANITOR... We even came up with a reason for his being both...
Obviously he lost all his money because karma's a bitch. However, that isn't the end of it!
He needs 2 jobs to support his family because his wife is an alcoholic who can't hold a job.
And he has 6 kids in addition to that. 2 sets of twins. Oh yes, we went all out with this one...
The best part, you ask? DUCKIE is the Principal & head of the school-board!
Yeah, we gave Duckie the task/pleasure of being Stef's *boss!*
Isn't it every underdog's dream to be in charge of the jerks?
Granted, if there was a sequel... we'd need to find a way to fit Andi & Blaine into the storyline...
Not sure how that would be managed since Blaine was *not* my favorite character...
Andi was alright... but then... she could have been better.
Also, Iona would *have* to come back! Totally... and Jenna... (even if her's was a small part... she was a great character!)
Jennifer Tilly would have to have a part in the film somewhere... she's a MUST!
Alright... I'll try to change the subject...
Amanda called today. That was a fun, albeit SHORT, conversation!
I miss that girl like crazy!
Also, I am happy to report I am now capable of wearing (semi-comfortably) my size 16 jeans!
Yeah, so it isn't a SMALLER size, but I'm okay with that.
Especially since this particular pair have always been my favorite article of clothing.
Besides, if you walk about 4 miles every week plus all the house-walking you are bound to lose some pounds.
You people should SEE all the picture frames I have...my poor book-shelf is COVERED in them.
On top of it, rather than using the shelf-space, of course... well, MOSTLY!
It's a small shelf and until I get my room atop my dresser, it'll have to do.
I have so much left to unpack. I'm not looking forward to it.
Especially when considering that mom plans on moving before Uncle Brian comes to live with us.
I don't blame her. This house is no place for a blind person... for any person, really.
I mean, really? It's FREEZING in my room at night. I actually wonder if there's insulation here.
Back to P.i.P. for a minute - here are a few of my fave quotes...
"Off like a dirty shirt." "I live to like you." "I would have died for you!"
"Volcanic ensemble." "May I admire you again today?" "They just don't write love songs like they used to."
"If you don't go after him I will never take you to another Prom again. This is a romantic moment & you are ruining it for me."
- Duckie (some of these are paraphrased b/c my memory is Johnny Rotten.)

"Someone doesn't believe in me, I can't believe in them." "He's not like the others."
"Me hating him because he's rich is just as bad as them hating us because we're not."
"I want to let them know they didn't break me." "I admire you."
- Andi (paraphrasing was used)

"Does he have Strong Lips?" "I'm old enough to be his mother but when he kissed me I swear my thighs went on fire!"
"It was the first and last time I was normal. Relatively speaking."
"Applause, applause, applause!" "Well, you could say that Life is a stupid tradition, but don't analyze it...just Go."
"Either it's all those drugs I did in the 60's or I'm really in Love."
"I'm good in bed does that mean I should be a whore?"
- Iona (also paraphrased)

"You buy everything, Stef. You couldn't buy her. That's it, isn't it? She thinks you're shit... and deep down, you know she's right."
- Blaine (possibly paraphrased...)

My favorite scenes in the movie are ultimately Duckie's dance scene and when he throws himself onto Andi's bed...
I also love it when he kisses Iona... Her eyes got so big, it was brilliant!
Why couldn't there be more guys like Duckie's character? *sigh* Oh well...
Sometimes don't you just hate living in the Real World?


august 26th...

Alright! I have gotten ALL of my books & got the new sticker for my dumb I.D.
Still haven't gotten the mail that got lost & sent back to the school... oy.
It's as though no one is ever IN! I get to check AGAIN before/after class...
Probably after. Anyways, my classes start this upcoming Thursday.
I am still not looking forward to it, but at least I know where everything is.
I can't wait til I get my FAFSA check, though. I don't fancy walking home twice a week.
Not when I know that our oh-so-lovely days are getting "shorter."
Plus, I have no idea how to get home from there without help from the bus system.
My life is so whacked. Right now I'm listening to NSYNC of all things.
Oh, nevermind. The song just changed over to "From Where I'm Standing."
The artist is practically unknown, which is kind of depressing.
Schuyler Fisk. *shrugs.*
I suppose it is too much to ask that everyone know who I'm talking about when I bring up tunes.
Just got done going picture crazy. Facebook will be pleased. :p
Even got mom in a few. Now *that* was a difficult task.
Did some videos, too. I've already edited them into 1 video to post on bro's facebook, like he asked.
Currently, I am almost finished reading CAST-OFF COVEN by Juliet Blackwell.
It's the second book in her series. Anyways, I *really* want to refresh myself on my Spanish.
Unfortunately, it's a new book... so I can't unwrap it if I decide to drop the class early on.
Or else they won't let me return it. Ugh.
Oh well. I probably won't drop it, but you never know.
If I don't like the first 2 classes, I'll consider the option.
I doubt if I would do it, though. I'm so damned spiteful. LOLz!
I can't wait til Friday! I just hope my friends have time free to hang.
I'm listening to Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit. Proof of my mood, if nothing else.
Always makes me feel better, though. Even if it is 30% or so made up of swears.
I look super great today, so that's a plus. AND!!!! I didn't even put on make-up!
XD (Easy Way Out - Pink Spiders... love this song!)
My music is so broad it sometimes disturbs people.
I have my windows FUCKING CLOSED and yet I can still smell the WEED that the asshole landlord's cronies are smoking?!
How the HELL is that supposed to be "okay?!"
I really can't wait to get away from this place. You know, we *still* don't have a key to the place...
It's ridiculous! With any luck, we'll be able to move to someplace BIGGER with an ACTUAL LEGAL RENT AGREEMENT!
This shit is so offensive!
On the upside, Uncle Brian will soon be moving in with us... I think this is a good thing.
I'm not really sure. I mean, I like him... not that I know him well... but considering this place,
I just hope we get to a better place BEFORE he gets here... otherwise - not good for blind folks.
Though how he's going to cope with GEORGE while he's here is a mystery to me.
They've never actually met. So that's got to be fun... yikes.
Anyways, I'd love to ramble on some more about the FUN LIFE IN BC: Butt Crack, but we need to start tearing apart my bed to rearrange everything...
The joy is overwhelming... (sense the sarcasm??) LOL.
Later All!

5:32 P.M.

august 25th...

Alright - t's almost midnight, but it still counts as today.
Anyways, I'm suffering from a very persistent migraine.
I get to go to kcc tomorrow, if all goes well, to get all my junk done.
Here's hoping. As it is, I just want my head to stop hurting.
My classes start on the first. Oh, I am *not* excited.
I would be, but I'm not sure about how I feel on the whole issue.
I miss my friends, my life.
However, for all who are interested, I will be in UC on the 2nd.
The day after my classes start. Not sure how I feel about that.
But the plan is for us to get bro's bday pizza.
And for Tam to touch up my tat. It needs it. Badly.
If I remember, I'll ask her about the cost of colouring in the eyes.
They totally need to be green w/their black pupils...
Just doesn't look right otherwise. Regardless of what my mother keeps saying.
I miss my sister like crazy - and I'm understating that.
I really miss my medication, too.
I am not looking forward to doing my bloodwork.
But I have to before they'll refill my prescription. Which is totally bogus.
I mean, I have a fucking MOOD DISORDER!
How hard is it for people to figure out that this isn't something which will go away and be all happyful...?
I've been off my meds for 2 and a half months people!
You're not going to get much of a positive reaction/response from me.
I love my pillow. That's all I'm going to say on the stupid subject.
Besides, I need to pass out so I can actually get up in the morning.

11:57 P.M.

august 24th...

David Spader was amazing on Boston Legal... but after FINALLY watching Pretty in Pink from start to finish,
I don't think I can love him as much as I used to.
I will say that P.i.P. is going on my list of Favorite Movies...
Tied even with Breakfast Club. I haven't seen 16 Candles yet, but I will.
Duckie is definitely my favorite character (aside from Iona) and if I ever find a guy who is as amazing as his character,
I am totally going to snatch him up. Jon Cryer - you are amazing.
Now, if only I could get my Judd Nelson fix for the night. As it is, it's been storming for about 5 hours straight.
So I am going to skip dinner & take a train to Land of the Snooze...
If they ever decide to do a remake or a sequel to this awesome film, I am SO first in line...
as long as there aren't any lousy casting choices, you know?


12:48 A.M.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Oh Boy....

We've decided to forgo the KCC stuff today. We woke up late and had to choose & since our stuff was due TODAY... it was pretty easy. So we are either going on Thursday or Friday... First we need to speak with a friend about whether we can ride with her or if we'd have to use up even MORE of the bus passes I need in order to make it to classes. :/ I feel so energetic today... not really. Just tired. But I will get through it. Maybe I'll make pizza when I get home today. Maybe.

August 22nd 2011 (yesterday)

I was going through some old audio-recordings on my laptop today.
It was an interesting time, to say the least.
My friends (past & present) are beyond weird.
The things we talked about... *shakes head*
Some of the things stood out so much that I wrote them down an took pictures.
They are definitely going up on my facebook.
Today's the day I'm supposed to get my books for class.
However, I will possibly wind up putting it off til Wednesday.
(Insert sad face here.)
Today I'm exhausted and mom has to register little bro for school, so I'm not going anywhere.
Tomorrow, I need to return my books & movies to the library.
I refuse to be late with that stuff... The fees are just ridiculous.
Plus, their rules are totally messed up.
What I mean to say is that when UNION CITY LIBRARY has a better system, you know there's a problem.
Especially when you consider that UC doesn't even have a decent selection - if you can call it a selection at all.
Regardless of the extreme amount of walking I'll be doing, I really am looking forward to this semester.
An entire schedule of classes I actually *wanted* AND getting out of the house - what could be better?
Now if I can just figure out how I'm going to:
Attend Classes
Do Homework
Update My Blog
Sims Social
Have Downtime
Brush my Teeth/Hair
and BREATHE.... ?
Not to mention, I'd like to maintain my A-B average while I'm at it...
In any case, I'll try do everything well and not stretch myself too thin.
Though, to be honest, much more of this and I'll be a pro at it.
I suddenly feel myself yearning for High School.
Well, for the easy assignments/time with friends/free lunches/close proximity of the building itself.
The teachers - for the most part - I can do without.
I'll admit that I miss O.J. for English.
She was awesome! Sisco was great, too.
Parkison was an awesome Sub...
As it is, I can't keep my teachers straight this semester because at least 3 of them have "M" last names...
I'm still unsure about my Spanish teacher's name. It wasn't listed...
Well, it's 2:31 A.M. I should be getting to bed so I can get up in a few hours.

9:29 P.M.

I am going to get my books tomorrow instead. At least, that's the plan.
Then, we are going to the library to return stuff & get online.
Hopefully, I'll be able to finish emailing PHOENIX the videos from her birthday.
Considering it's been a full month since her birthday took place, I should get in gear.
Has it really been *that long*!? Damn.
Little bro has officially been enrolled. Now all we have to do is get all his school supplies & find a ride for him to get to the open-house.
This should be interesting. Considering we're broke.
He has to take Spanish because of the new Laws & shit. He threw a fit.
He doesn't even care that Mom & I'll be able to help him...
I mean, Mom took it in High School & relearned everything when Sis & I took it...
Plus, I'm refreshing myself this semester by taking a Spanish course as well...
I'm willing to bet College Spanish is more difficult than 8th grade Spanish, so he can quit complaining.
He also gets to take Art. Lucky brat. AND CHOIR!
I am TOTALLY jealous!
I am so incredibly grateful for the Voltaren in my system right now.
Stupid cramps are 98% gone because of it. (Insert SUPER SMILEY here)
I have, currently, Dirty Laundry (Lisa Marie Presley's not the other chick's - totally different lyrics) on repeat.
It is just so... real. People really are like that, whether we care to admit it or not.
I'm reading "Secondhand Spirits" by Juliet Blackwell. Started reading it today and didn't stop until about 4 hours ago.
And only then because I needed to write in my JOURNAL.
Yes, I still keep a journal. Anyways, I'm about halfway through it.
It's difficult to find books that maintain my interest like that.
It didn't used to be, but people's standards for what constitutes as Literature have gone down considerably in the past decade.
Alright. I have a DVD to watch.
Raindancer LalahFreak

9:40 P.M.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Yay more about ME


the above is a link to a really awesome song and you all should listen to it... because it is possibly my favorite.

Alright. I really can't stand this place.
The sooner I get out of here, the better.
I've gotten beyond sick of dealing with my step-father.
He bitches because I point out that he spends his money "foolishly."
Truthfully, he's reckless. It's disgusting, really.
We have enough *stuff* without him buying more that we don't need.
Then he has the nerve to say that I "do nothing" all day.
Excuse me?! I'm sorry but my classes - I'm a *full-time* student - s
tart in less than 3 weeks.
Why would I try to get a job when I know I'd have to quit so suddenly?
It'd be irresponsible! I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do all my school-work,
let alone add an actual job to that.
He can bitch & moan all he wants, but he has no right to treat me in such a way!
I miss my sister. She understood it.
After my next semester, I'll be taking the Spring semester off.
I'll find a job then.
In the Autumn I'll go to a 4 year Uni of some sort & get the Hell out of here...
I can't wait to get my Bachelor's & my Master's in Psychology.
Don't misunderstand me - I'd much rather be working on my music.
However, I really just want to help people.
I'd prefer it to be through my lyrics/vocals, but I'll take being a counselor if I absolutely need to.
I really don't want to think about being here when Winter gets around.
This place is a death-trap.
In the mean-time, I'll be drawing up Grocery Lists.
Oh, I can't wait for Anthropology to start.
I'm in the middle of a book called "Obsessions can be Murder."
It's by Connie Shelton. I'm 8 chapters in and I can't find a reason to reccomend it.
At all. It sounded good from the description, but thus far... it's a let down.
Maybe I'll change my mind by the end of it; I'm not holding my breath.
The plan for tonight is Chicken Noodle Casserole...
Beverages to choose from are: Water, Grape Kool-Aid, & Hot Cocoa.
I really wish there was something to take my mind off things.
All I can think about is just how much I detest this place.
Sad, since I've been trying to do this Positive Thinking idea I found in one of the Wicca Books I found in the Library.
It worked for a while, but being around certain people always tends to make things more difficult for me.
Upside - I've lost almost 30 pounds. Downside - still haven't gotten my meds.
Thankfully, I still have music to keep me going.
I just need to remember that I can do this... I really hope I can do this...
Because sometimes I wonder about that... If I can really do it or if I'm just kidding myself.

10:44 P.M.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Sesame vs Muppets

Alright, will someone explain to me how the Muppet Show can get away with the outfits that were worn in the 60s (?) 70s but Katy Perry can't wear her dress with Elmo? I know this happened a while ago but it really has been bugging me... You'd think, knowing their parents allowed them to watch what they watched, that they would be *less* stuffy rather than more so on the subject for their own children... I don't know. I'm just curious.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011



I'm not sure which is worse -
feeling like the world around you is made of stone, never changing
or progressing, as you are filled with pent up energy and ideas while
changing and moving like a flowing river... or feeling like you're
the rock stuck in place, completely useless and in the way as
everything around you keeps going and changing.

Which is worse?

Union City was the world made of rock where I was the river.
Battle Creek is the river where I'm the rock...

I feel so out of place, so alone... I always wanted away from
U.C. because I never felt I belonged. Sadly, I know I don't belong
here. Union City is my home. I may have been a misplaced puzzle piece
when I was there, but I was still part of the picture. Here...I am stagnant
and invisible.

I spend my time watching DVDs, making youtube videos, sleeping, and have
managed to read only 2 books while here. I haven't written anything
creatively and can't muster up the will to try.

It's not that I'm depressed, because I'm not. It is more as though I am
disconnected. I am tired, incredibly so. I am weary of conversing with anyone.
Mom misses home, too. Dad likes it here. Everyone is fighting...

I have no idea how I'll make it to classes in the Fall, or home for
that matter. I'm not even certain how I'll get there to buy my books
next month. All of which is ridiculous considering that we are all actually
closer to KCC than when I was in Union City.

I am supposed to be having a party Thursday, but I hold out little hope of
any guests attending. They won't. They're all too busy... or have no
money for the gas it'd take to get here.

I wish I had money so I could use my cellular. I hate having no one to talk to.
I miss the internet. It made everything so terribly simple, quick... and it
was certainly cheaper than writing letters...

I miss my friends. My sister. All of it.
I must be boring you greatly. I do apologize for rambling on this way.

Happy Independence Day!


Monday, June 6, 2011

Alanda McRae
Okay. First off, the least you could do is RESPOND to mom & I when we message you. That crap you told Tia about us having to get you while you aren't working is exactly that. CRAP. Do you think we're psychic, Matthew? Because how are we supposed to know when the hell you're working? And when *I* went to YOUR HOUSE, you were definitely not working. Unless you lied to your mother & told her you were swimming. Incredibly unlikely. Even for you. It isn't like you didn't know when we would be home... Uh, say, always!? As for us coming all the way down there, getting ALL my books, my mom's computer, & the 80$ you owe me... walking all the way back... without knowing if you'd be there... yeah that makes loads of sense! And if you think I'm being hostile, you know damn well I could be worse. It isn't like I'm charging you for breaking my camera & my futon. Don't argue with me on this. You never would have broken my camera if you'd known well enough not to WALK ON FURNITURE! Hello, that is what the FLOOR is for! Do you walk on your mother's couch? I sincerely doubt it.

Matt C

Okay, I'm going to keep this short and nice because I don't feel like having a bitchfest at the moment. 1) I never got messages I got shit posted on my wall, Want me to say anything, Message me. Don't post on my wall. 2) I'm not going to go out of my way well working a lot and speding time with people who moved away to drag your stuff to you, You want it. Come and get it. Send me a MESSAGE to see if I'm home then come and get it. Simple as that. And from here on out. Any argueing bitching or pretty much anything not civil. I will ignore. Thanks.
Alanda McRae
17 minutes ago

I *was* being civil. And exactly how was it out of your way when you were dropping me off and just being stubborn? And I *DID* send you messages on here not just through your wall. I would do all 3 at once actually just to make sure you *got* them. And as for not getting them, why wouldn't you get the text messages? You know I'm not being bitchy so you can just drop the attitude. You've never seen me snap so don't push it. As for sending you messages to see if you're home... I don't *have* internet at home to wait for you to do that! You know this. You've always known this. So drop the excuses and grow up.

Can anyone figure out, knowing me as well as people do, what it was that pushed that last button? Anyone at all? Because, let me point out, we aren't out of his way until we have actually MOVED to the house. Fuck this bullshit!

Saturday, June 4, 2011

The Latest

Some people really have a talent for pushing my buttons. I could be talking about anyone who helped us move our junk to BC except for Danielle & Tia... But no, I'm talking about a *FRIEND* of mine at the moment. I'd go into the details but then I would never quit ranting. Lets just say I'll get my stuff back even if it means calling the damned cops... Yeah. Seriously.

New Topic!
We were supposed to be out of the apartment on the 1st, but here it is and we're still working. The entire weekend. Inside. With no power. During the daylight hours only. No music. I don't know how well I'll work like that. OH the JOY! This is ridiculous. Upside- all my stuff is moved. Downside- I'd feel guilty having my mom do everything by herself. *Sigh*
Oh well...

There's no internet at the new place. So I'll have to figure out my way to the libraries. Oh I am *so* incredibly NOT looking forward to all this nonsense. So if no one is updated on my oh-so-fabulous life for a small while... that would be why.

But the idea of me going more than 2 weeks w/o my facebook is hilarious. I get jumpy if I go without it for about 2 days so... that should tell you something.

Wish us luck on moving Monday.
Until then, thanks for reading!

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Packing... yeah right.

So we move out on Wednesday (if we're lucky.) We have no trucks to move our furniture. We haven't finished packing. In other words, we are severely screwed... I am not happy about this.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

30 Questions

01. are you currently in a relationship? romantically - no... other kinds, yes.

02. if so, for how long & is it serious? i've been friends with a certain lass for 12 years now... ;)

03. are you straight, bi, gay, unsure? I usually say Bi but the truth is I have no idea... I tend not to bother with romantic relationships so you tell me.

04. do you wish you were in a relationship? surprisingly yes.

05. do you have a crush? yes but i'll get over it. i always do.

06. if you have a crush do they know you like them? No, actually, they don't. There's only 3 of them. And I should be over the one guy because I haven't seen him since December... freaky.

07. have you ever cheated on someone? ... I have no idea how to answer this since I've never really been in a serious relationship. I had one boyfriend in High School. I did kiss this one guy while I was dating him, does that really count though? *sigh* I guess this is another "You tell me" answer.

08. do you think your crush likes you back? Doubtful that they even remember me.

09. do you like anyone who likes you? maybe but I don't actually know anyone who likes me in that sense.

10. love or lust? lust for the most part. love is reserved for my friends and family members. when it comes to dating, i think i purposefully cut off that part of my heart...

11. do you like single or group dates? that would depend on the group, and the activities. for instance, i'd rather it be a single date if we're going to the movies. but if we're going for food, a double date. and a group date if it's like bowling or something.

12. ever BEEN on a date? I've had this conversation with my gal-pals so many times, it's hilarious. it all depends on how you define "date." according to my BFF Danielle, yes. According to others, no. I'll just flip a coin on this one.

13. when & where was your first kiss? sadly, I remember this. A friend & I went to her boyfriend's house. It was on his couch with his brother... and that is all I have to type on the subject. (Good kisser, but he was terrible at the rest.)

14. do you get attached easily? only to my besties and my lil sis. otherwise, not really.

15. ever cried when someone broke up with you? once but i'd never tell her i did.

16. do you get dumped a lot or you do the heart breaking? I am usually the one breaking it off... which I guess is because I have "commitment" issues but the truth is i have a Fear of Rejection which is cleverly masked as a Fear of Commitment... oh yeah, i'm just that good.

17. do you believe in love at first sight? nonreciprocated love at first sight - yes. otherwise, not likely. I fell in love with this guy when he walked in the room and I didn't even see him yet. I felt weird (magick friends will know something like what i mean) and I turned around searching for it. Instant amazement on that one. From then on I knew whenever he was around without ever having to use my eyes. it was so... just whoa. eventually I got past that, though. After all, i wasn't going to TELL him this... we barely knew each other. so i just fought tooth and nail against the feelings and ta-da... haven't seen him since december... and i'll live. *sigh* it was pretty cool though.

18. do you believe in love at all? romantically - no... soulmates- possibly. friendship- hell yes... family - 50/50

19. have you ever been in love? a year ago i'd have said yes. but that wasn't love so much as mutual abuse of one another's feelings. i don't know if what i felt with Mr.December (as I'll call him cuz there is no way i'm giving out names online) was love, but it was something... otherwise, no i don't think i have been. but how could i be sure?

20. do you like the movie "the notebook?" I cried so many times during that movie... but ultimately, i loved it.

21. do you believe you have to be a certain age to know what true love is? I believe that if you have an understanding of who you are and how you feel... and a real one, not a junior high idea... then you're in the clear.

22. ever had your heart broken? yes, but mostly because i let it get broken. i don't think the people i've been with ever went and decided to hurt me... it just happened. i'm emotional and easily hurt like that. though i'd never show it if i could avoid it. hence everyone thinking i'm a bitch.

23. do you currently miss an ex? yes. but i don't know why. it isn't like we were deeply in love or anything. we'd just been friends for a super long time and fell into our relationship because there wasn't anything else to do... though he does have a sweet smile when he shows it.

24. would you take someone back after cheating? NO! absolutely NOT! number one rule! i shouldn't even have to EXPLAIN that!

25. do you still have other people ask someone out for you? on a date - hell no. what would be the point? it's like saying "i have low self esteem and no belief in myself but i like you so will you say no quickly so i can go home and berate myself? or say yes out of pity and make me feel like dirt?"

26. what about break up with someone for you? again. no. that's on the same level as texting, or breaking up on their voicemail / answering machine. "hello, i'm a coward and can't do this to your face. we aren't working out. why? because i'm subhuman."

27. do you still write notes saying circle YES or NO? depends on the content of the note, if i'm lazy, and how much time i have to write said note.

28. do you get all giddy when you find out someone likes you? only if i like them, as well. and only then if i've liked them for several months... otherwise i freak out.

29. when you're going out with someone, do you put their name everywhere? not everywhere. depends on how serious it is anyways. but i'll cop to the occasional journal entry. *blush* shut up, i'm a girl!

30. are you always looking up cute love lyrics to put in your profile about them? I usually don't have to look up the lyrics because they are going through my head on automatic, but yeah. I have totally done that.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Literacy - Apathy on the Rise

Will someone please tell me when it became "okay" not to fix spelling or grammatical errors in PUBLISHED works? I'm not just talking about books, either. I'm talking about newspapers. These errors are so atrocious that Jay Leno wouldn't allow them on the air! (Hypothetically speaking, that is.) My former Journalism teacher allowed a sign to stay on her door that was the wrong FORM of the word and said, "Oh, it's alright. It doesn't hurt anyone." Needless to say, I have plenty of issues with said instructor. I'm so happy to have graduated High School. I no longer have to deal with her, but instead am stuck with other people with the same low standards. Their standards are so low that I am tempted to believe they don't have any at all.
Throw in our current economy and our dependency on Fast Food places and we'll really have a rant going on here. However, I will save those issues for a different day. Right now, I have to get back to the day at hand.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


i'm trying to get caught up on uploading all my vids... since facebook is stupidly not letting me upload directly i have been forced to use youtube, make them link only vids, and then post the links in our private group on facebook... what a mess. i'm going mental .

equally no not really


oh the above is so funny to me.. i mean, i love all my friends equally... no... not really. lolz... i'd list the ones i love most but then the ones i don't love would find out. you know it's true.


feel free to watch because it's the only time you'll ever get to hear me sing that song. :D even though i love it beyond measure. now... back to YT FB YIM and packing!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011


I got 40/40 on my project. Don't know what I got on the one I handed in after the other, but still I have high hopes. I got an 88% on that test. Here's hoping I do just as well on everything else. I have another test tomorrow and who knows how that'll go. Bones is great this season. Castle is awesome. Glee is amazing. :D I've been posting tons of YT vids in my spare time. Philosophy is the easiest class in the world, btw. Now, if only I was so confident about Acting 101... :/

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Life's A Bitch

Just took my test. Didn't understand half the questions even though I studied for 6 hours! WTF is with that? There were 4 short-answer questions. 1 of which was a Bonus Question. I took the most space writing my answer for the Bonus question which was worth half as many points as the mandatory ones. Doesn't it figure? I have a D in that class because she still hasn't finished grading everybody's stuff from all her classes. I'm afraid to see how I did on my project I handed in Friday. If I don't do well on that, the test, the final, & the project I have yet to do - I will have no chance of passing. None, whatsoever. :(
Acting is going alright. I think. I don't know. I'm doing amazing in Philosophy. No surprise there.
I don't have a clue what classes I'm going to take next semester or even if I want to bother after that. :( Life's a bitch.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Real Quick

not much to say. just that i'm doing alright in Philosophy & Acting but mediocre in Sociology and i have a test tomorrow. sorry for the spelling errors etc. love you all. computer is shutting down. t2yl!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I'm the One

i am so bored right now. i am going to see about having mom take me to BC tomorrow so I can put enough $ on her card to pay for Netflix this month. i'm an addict and i'll admit it. besides, who else would? i want to go to BC though because i was hoping to stop by B & N at the mall. i mean yeah... and i want to get pizza afterwards before going to the bar. well, here's hoping...

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I don't know

but when does anybody ever "know?" sure you can be more certain or less certain about things, but that still doesn't mean you "know" it. stuff happens everyday that we can't explain, and may never will.
all we have are really good ideas and some not-so-great ideas. i am sure this all sounds totally out there, but it's true.
even with all these break-throughs science has brought us, we still don't *know* anything. we can't. you can repeatedly do something and get the same basic results, but that doesn't mean you *know* the facts - just that something is more likely than another occurance. this doesn't make science right or wrong. this only means that science - like religion - isn't foolproof. Proof that is solid and validated will forever elude us for as long as we are unable to answer all those "big questions" people have. i'm not saying that we're wrong about cancer being dangerous or the sky looking blue. i'm just opining that proof is supposed to be resolute but all i see are things that are fallible. not everything is an obvious fallacy, this is true. i can't argue that. but i refuse to be written off simply because i have belief in something besides (not aside but besides) science. my sister will probably come up wiht something to say on the subject, and that is her right as a person to have her own ideas and thoughts on the matter. "Who am I?" is not a question you can answer by simply saying "Jodee Foster" or "Matt Dillon" if you know what I mean. science can't answer it either. most sciences are quantitative (sp?) but all those Big Questions only have any chance of being answered through Qualitative responses. Maybe I'm crazy, though that isn't something I'd like to believe, but maybe... just maybe i'm not. maybe i'm making a point. can you really say otherwise?

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Smiley & Grr-ified.

I finally meet a guy that I like, enjoy talking to, who makes me feel special.
And what happens? That MORON is brought up in conversation w/my bestie.
He'd be lucky to be a One Night Stand Wrapped in Tin Foil!!!
Fuck him! Why he is so arrogant is beyond me. He needs to get over himself.
"What is her infatuation with me?" - Yeah, right. Someone's been bathing in bong-water because there ISN'T any INFATUATION with YOU! You make me sick!

I think I may be falling for someone and you think you're important to me? Oh please, get over yourself. You never had a clue. You never could...

J.R.C. --- thanks for making me smile; not too many people can do that.
A.G.F. --- get a life.

Nyx - ILY
Tia - ILY
Danielle - ILY
Meimei - <3>

Okay. Enough said. I feel better now. :P

Monday, January 24, 2011


My first Sociology class was on Wednesday. I don't think I'm going to enjoy it as much as I first thought. :( However, I have it again today. So who knows what's to come? Afterward is my first Acting class. And I have no idea what room it's in. Go figure.
Tomorrow is my first Philosophy class and I'm totally freaking out.
I miss the days of Creative Writing from my first semester.
I still have a few hours. Well, I should get to doing my hair & teeth & make up...
I am totally freaked out.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Jealous of Your Cigarette

Okay, I like the song as much as anyone... But why do people ever take up smoking, knowing what it does to their bodies? Even if one doesn't end up with Lung Cancer, there's still cancer of the Eusophagus (sp?), breathing problems, coughing, bad skin, messed up hair. terrible breath. ugly teeth. i just don't get it?

Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying I'd never smoke. Or that I never have. Both would be lies. However, if I wanted to quit I really could. I'm much more addicted to caffeine and my gum. :P

I just don't get why people do it to begin with. I understand why they continue, fighting an addiction (or stress) can be difficult... But why start knowing all there is to know?

Monday, January 10, 2011

Jealous of your Cigarette

Finally, after all this time, he starts to talk to me.
Man, he can twist me up. I'm so spastic. Anything just to talk to him.
I'm so messed up and I need serious help.
I can't wait til classes start so I can be distracted.
I keep fighting to be honest about my feelings with him.
That would be a disaster.

Talk Later,

Sunday, January 9, 2011

rambling and poetry

Don't wanna wait in line... I know who I am. I would never run away when life gets bad. I got nerve.

Sadly, I know who sings that. :(

As it is, I'm typing with my hand half asleep and can't stop thinking about my ex??? i'm not even sure i can call him that. my biggest issue with him is that i never know where i stand.
it's so irritating.
for the longest time i was in love with him. i never told him, of course.
that would be a huge mistake. he doesn't even know what he wants. *sigh*

sometimes i think i know exactly what is going on... other times i'm totally lost.

any spelling errors that occur are because i'm not looking at the screen. i refuse to. so here's hoping. sorry aunt sally if anything is wrng.

my head hurts
my heart bleeds
i feel like dirt
i don't feel a need.
my ache is all consuming
that's all i know right now
it's spooky and doom-like
like an interrupted flow.
my eyes stay closed
easier than seeing the turht before me
everyone seems to be opposed
to all these things i'm feeling...
wish i knew what to say,
what to do.
but it's all in my way...
everything i want to say to him... to you.
but it's stuck like virginity in a nun.
words are hiding in my throat.
with all these feeling sand people under the sun,
why can't i shout it out?
why do i have to fall for him?
he can't even be bothered
to remember my existence.
and everyone's opposed,
my mother, my father, my friends.

i hate this mess.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Livin' the Life

or not...

I'm just downloading videos and music today. Much like yesterday.
Except today, once I'm finished downloading, I get to convert them into files I can *use.*

OOOoooh. Exciting...

I would be on FB to see if Rowan or Nitia or ANYONE was online, but FB is having one of its "I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!" moments. So here I am.

I had a lot of fun at the bar last night and eventually I may even post the vids to youtube and FB as I've promised my sister I'd do. As it is, everything is slow and I feel lousy. Bad bad positions to be lying in for several hours, basically.

My classes start on the 19th... and I really don't care much. I'm only grr-ified because I still haven't been able to go and get my books!!! I'd really like my books, mother!

As it is, I'm overloading with ideas for vids. However, I still have around 30 that I need to upload to my LLF account. :/ So I should probably upload those first before making more. As it is I feel like my head is about to explode. I have a book I signed out from the Library.
it's good but I keep putting it down because certain characters aggravate me. LOL.

it's called Guitar Girl by Sarra Manning. (Yes, Sarra with 2 Rs)
it's based in Australia. something you should know before reading it if you're an American like myself. Otherwise you'll get a bit lost. LOL.

Just got through listening to Sharada by Skye Sweetnam. (One of my all time favorite songs)
also listened to The Faders... :D

as it is, i miss my sister terribly. though that'll probably change when i see her next. LOL :P
anyways. i have some issues to work out A.T.M. (at the moment)


Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Smirkingly Devilish Announcement...

I'm engaged... NOT!
But Danielle thinks I am, and it is just too funny to resist.
I was messing with her because she kept asking me "what's new?" about 30 times.
So I told her I was in a "long distance relationship" with a friend of mine who lives on a completely different continent.

And of course, she's buying it. and supposedly we're engaged. have been for 2 months behind her back. all of this without even HIS knowledge.

i sent him a message explaining it to him. so hopefully he knows i'm only joking. but those of you who are friends with me via facebook, ignore the relationship change. it's a total freaking joke. i swear.

i love it though. because only she would bypass all my mistakes in the story.

lol. it's so great. i love this friend of mine a ton... but not that way ( i don't *think* so, anyway) so hopefully he'll understand.
i have no idea if he reads this or not, but i know danielle doesn't unless i tell her to. lol. go figure. sorry for any spelling errors i'm working within a limited time area. :(

anyways, hopefully he'll be in for the joke. he's one of my best buds and i know i can rely on him. why else would i say him instead of - for instance - matt? alan? ross? robert? this is a long list but u get the point so i don't need to go on.

rowan - be my fake fiance' - lol. or not. it's all good with me. i got my laugh of the day with danielle. :)

forever smirking this day away,
ALae Kaattavery
alanda bernadette-cheri mcrae

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy Friggen New Year! - Now Please Help -

Yes, I've made resolutions. Even managing to stick to them... so far.
However, I am extremely pissed off.
Not a good thing for any Rom/Wicce to be.

I'm trying to meditate into a state of calm.
That way, when I do the spell I'm planning, I know it won't go haywire on me.

I plan on performing it at 5 pm tomorrow evening. So kindly send me positive energy and thoughts. (Anything negative will only impede the point and serve to irritate me.) Negativity is pointless in and of itself.

It's a simple spell to speed up one's Karma. That's all I'm doing. I'm being a good Wicce and sticking to the "approved" spells. No hexes. No curses. Those are pointless and stupid things to even pretend to consider.

All I know is that no one deserves to wake up on the first day of the year to get hurt by someone they've seen as their friend for so long. I'm not just talking emotional hurt, either. I am including the physical hurt as well. It was uncalled for.

Save the dramatics for theatre & grade school. Otherwise, Karma can be quite the Bitch.